Real Estate Agent Advises Rental Seekers To Offer Up Firstborn For Sacrifice To Rental Gods To Stand Out

A WA real estate agent has shared her best secret to help rental seekers stand out from the crowd – going all “Abraham” on your firstborn to prove you are committed to the rigours of tenantship.

 Currently, rental properties in Perth are more fiercely contested than the last sausage roll at the United Australia Party’s office morning tea. Punters are finding that they must go to extraordinary lengths to stand out from the hordes of desperate families. 

The real estate agent told The Times,

“Look, if you’re not prepared to submit a 10-page cover letter outlining every intimate detail of your life then don’t bother. We are recommending that prospective tenants also submit a supporting PowerPoint presentation that tracks all the way back to your birth… and speaking of birth…”

The agent paused while she took a phone call, instructing her underling to jack up the rent on an inner-city property by 200 pcm. She resumed,

“We find that the most successful applicants are the ones willing to offer up their firstborn to appease the property market gods. It’s really not that big a deal. After all, you’ve already submitted video evidence of you putting your beloved pets out to pasture, so it’s really not that big a reach, is it?”

We spoke to Anton who managed to secure a townhouse in East Perth by offering up his firstborn to the agency, 

“Yeah, my wife really misses her bub and I’m not sure why the real estate agent insisted I show her the video of me sending Mr Noodles to kitty heaven but that’s what it takes to get a pad these days. You can always have more kids but you can’t get a place overlooking the river just like that”

On the other side of the coin, rental seeker Grace told the real estate agency she had grown attached to her firstborn and would not be offering him up. She told The Times,

“I did everything they asked. 20 past rental references, a written apology for letting my grass grow more than 2cm tall in 2009 and 24 months of rent upfront. Which is pretty generous given it was a 6month tenancy. However, it wasn’t enough, they wanted the boy”

We reached that particular agency for comment but were simply advised that the blood of the youthful only makes them grow more powerful. 

Yikes. Good luck to all rental seekers who are fond of their firstborn child. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?