Ordinarily, down south local, Ray, would lock himself away on his Margaret River property until the blow-ins blow out on Monday afternoon. Alas, his relatives who traitorously fled to Perth have come for a visit this long weekend and Ray has been unable to weasel out of showing them around.
By all reports, Ray is about one blow-in encounter away from blowing. A witness who spotted Ray and his family on the main strip told The Times,
“This was not a man in touch with his inner zen. When I walked past him he was muttering about a great day of reckoning and how Gabriel should blow his trumpet soon. I’d say ol’ mate Ray is having a bit of a ‘mare”
Tensions reached a surreal point when Ray had waited 15 minutes at the pub to get a beer. He overheard the two Claremont wankers next to him complain loudly about how Margs needs to get its shit together and ensure valued holidaymakers don’t have to wait this long.
Every shade of anger flushed over Ray’s face as his wife desperately tried to calm him down. She told The Times,
“When his face went red I wasn’t too concerned. It was when an eerie peace fell over him. I knew this was when his mind was thinking about the worst atrocities known to man. He calmly leaned towards me and smiled. It still haunts me, he’s ready to blow”
After the pair of Claremont men walked off, Ray approached the bar to order some Swanny D but a blow-in rudely cut in to have a very frank discussion with the bar staff about her child’s fire engine drink being too cold.
Ray immediately deployed the breathing exercises that he was forced to learn after getting a bloke in a headlock at the ice cream van at Meelup five Christmases ago. He smoked 10 darts in a row and waited for his family to finish their lunch.
Assuming he’d done enough for the day, his cousin bounded out of the pub and announced they were all going to check out some wineries. Ray’s eye started twitching. He told The Times,
“A wine tour, ay? Oh, the red liquid will be flowing alright”. Have you ever seen a Japanese hornet attack a bee hive? It’s beautiful. It’s like seeing the face of God”
His grin now made Jack Nicholson look like a Playschool presenter. As he went to pull out onto the main road, a Range Rover with Barbagallo plates cut him off and gave him the finger. Ray just started maniacally laughing.
May god help them.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
