5 Heinous Creatures You Can’t Avoid At Sculptures By The Sea

Sculptures by the Sea – uniting people who don’t want to be united since its foundation. Here is what to expect:

Locals – Marvel at their perpetual scowl as they wonder who left the gate open at the povo farm. One does not simply have a 6011 postcode just to suffer the Dickensian stench of middle-class hordes.

Of course, no self-respecting member of the golden triangle would rub shoulders with the great unwashed during busy times, but they sure as shit will call the ranger on your pleb mobile if it’s parked on their lawn.

The bogans – Each year Cottesloe gets swarmed with more Commodores than the Midland Court car park. Where else can Jonophen and his family of 8 get a little culture without having to wear shoes or discard their crab sticks before having a gander?

Typically, their evening is cut short after one of their undisciplined children damages an exhibit and Makita has to leave a scathing review  because the big goon bag wasn’t there.

RELATED: Mr & Mrs Sculptures By The Sea

The amateur photographers – Her friends all sneered when she bought a $3k camera, but wait until she gets the exact same photo as every other person with an iPhone, who will be laughing then?

Enjoy the annoyed sighs of amateur photogs as your clumsily walk through their #perthisok shot or marvel at an Asian tourist mistaking a seagull on a bin for one of the exhibits.

The wannabe art critics – There is nothing artists enjoy more than some prick who went to the Louvre once talking shit about their work.

Or even better, a second year fine arts student who loudly tells their tosser friends how they would construct it differently so it was a metaphor for Ukraine rights  and homelessness in down town Senegal. More wankery than lights out at an all-boys boarding school.

Parking inspectors

Sculptures by the Sea is like X-Mas for parking inspectors if those kind of people were actually capable of feeling human joy. Think you are going to get away with a cheeky double park while you grab some fish & chips?

Not on your life, friendo. In fact, in some areas, the fines are over $100, as the Council feels if you can’t handle the $100 heat, get the hell out of their beautiful kitchen.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?