Jailyn always assumed stories of Perth’s coast were just fanciful fairy tales told to hill dwellers by their parents to scare their children away from ever leaving the safety of the hill.
Stories of savage rip tides, sole-scalding sand, and mythical sea beasts trying to eat were just too much for Jailyn to accept as true. It had to be fantasy right? A nightmarish aquatic hellscape that couldn’t be more different from his hilly comfort zone.
Needless to say, his world was torn apart during his 3rd trip down the hill in his lifetime. He told The Times,
“This is what happens when you get mixed up with a flatlander. She took me on a cruise and I seen all this blue shit. I said ‘what the fark is that?’She laughed and assumed I was joking. I was dead serious mate”
We spoke to the flatlander who took Jailyn on the cruise. She confirmed that she thought Jailyn was pulling her leg. Adding,
“Man he’s cooked. I thought he was just really committed to the gag but then he tried to drink the ocean because he was thirsty. He swallowed a mouthful and all! It was at that point I realised that Jailyn didn’t have a firm grasp on Perth’s beaches or the concept of them in general”
Jailyn could barely sleep that night. His eyes had been opened and rather than be confronted with a arena of torment he thought it was pretty good. Adding,
“Mate, girls walking around with fark all on. The water didn’t taste good but it was refreshing and you can just sink piss on the sand. I even seen some guy jacking off in the dunes. What a paradise. What have I been missing out on?”
We understand that Jailyn confronted his parents the next day. His revelation that he’d visited the forbidden zone was too much for them to bear. Let alone doing it with a scaly flatlander.
It’s undeniably tense and Jailyn has been warned that if he brings up this decadent flatland evil at X-Mas he won’t be invited to the boxing day greased pig tradition that every Pickering Brookian values so highly.
RELATED: A Guide to Beach Etiquette
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
