A Guide to Beach Etiquette

If we’re being honest with ourselves, the quality of WA beaches does a lot of heavy lifting in terms of the liveability of this state. Alas, every summer hordes of pests descend upon the beaches and destroy your well needed coastal leisure time. 

1. No one cares about your Instagram photoshoot. Huff & puff all you like but if you expect people to constantly walk around while you’re trying to convince Zimmerman to give you a promo gig then you’re deluded. 

2. Nothing beats a few beats at the beach but turning your little patch of sand into an impromptu set by DJ Spotify is about as pleasant for everyone else as barebacking a sandcastle. 

3. You’re not a Bra Boy – there isn’t much of a sadder sight than attempting to embrace localism when your folks own a $1.5M property in Trigg. Keep your hormonal teenage chest-beating to the outside area of shopping centres. Where nature intended it. 

4. Stop setting up shantytowns – for whatever reason families during school holidays feel the need to stake their claim on 10 square metres of real estate to set up the entire contents of a BCF showroom floor. 

5. Unleashing your sand goblins – nothing destroys everyone else’s experience like a bunch of free-range kids running through your shit with a near non-existent level of supervision. 

6. Dont be a creeper- naturally, the beach is a bit of a skin buffet but that doesn’t mean you need to stare at bodies like Jeffrey Dahmer. 

7. Sand barbarians- most people understand the destructive force sand can have on one’s inner zen. Some naturally, seem aloof. Trudging through like a drunk elephant or poorly planned towel flicking can give someone a very unwanted sandy moneyshot. 

8. On the topic of drunk – despite what the 17-year-olds down at Leavers told you, being a drunken oaf at the beach isn’t cool. It’s a sure-fire way of winning gold at the loser Olympics. Enjoy a few brewskis or you’ll ruin a cheeky beach brew for the rest of us. 

9. There is a special spot in hell for people who leave ciggy butts and general filth all over the beach when they leave. It’s at the very top of the unAustralian pyramid of shitcunnery. 

10. Lacking spatial awareness in the ocean – nothing better than flinging a ball around while swimming unless of course, you’re really shit at it and constantly invade other’s personal ocean space. Simple solution – don’t be dogshit at it.

For more on Perth Beaches: The Human Zoo – Ms Cottesloe Beach

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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