Local scofflaw, Jackson, has spent the morning fending off emails from businesses attempting to push their Black Friday specials on him. Moreso, supposed news outlets are resembling advertising catalogues more than ever. It’s a message that Jackson can’t escape so why not get into the spirit of it the only way he knows how?
Accordingly, Jackson decided to really push the boat out on his usual self-serve checkout banditry. There is no question that advertisers are going to hate him because he’s found a way to secure himself 80% off without the use of some bullshit promo code! We spoke to Jason who had just come back from a morning run. He told The Times,
“I have to say when you have flawless technique every day is Black Friday at my local Coles. You gotta be a little careful of these new fan-dangled cameras but this old dog still has a few tricks up his sleeve. Don’t you worry about that”
After using a few mushroom bags to devastating effect, Jackson enjoyed a breakfast that tasted extra good based on the savings made. He mused that Black Friday wasn’t such a bad thing after all. He continued,
‘I’m earning good coin these days and really don’t need to rely on flogging stuff through the checkout. It’s more of a little folly for me. Black Friday has taught me that a day of splurging is socially acceptable”. Accordingly I went really hard today. Serves those vultures right for their opportunistic price rises”
Having taken an impressive 80% off his grocery bill for the weekend the question remains will Jackson take up any other Black Friday offers? Perhaps a pair of wireless headphones or some fresh boardies in time for summer? He defiantly declined,
“Nah, I think i’ll just spend the day unsubscribing from every company and its dog that seems to have my email address these days. I’ve never even been to Harvey Norman wtf? However, I will be taking Coles up on the specials they are offering again later. Whether they realise they are offering them or not”
Coles on the otherhand has urged comsumers to “think about the little guy” and how much pressure a battler like Coles is under to satisfy shareholder interests over being good blokes to the community. Think about THAT next time you brandish a mushroom bag.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?