News of restrictions hit people differently. Some are compelled to descend upon their local shopping centres like itchy-arsed zombies seeking 180 rolls of toilet paper.

Others decided buying a full tank & 3 jerry cans full of petrol was essential preparation for spending 5 days at home. Not you though, you finally heard the knock of opportunity. An opportunity to finally offload the 1000 face masks you’d hoarded from WA’s previous lockdown in March 2020.

Alas, you may only have 5 days to recoup your losses. Time is of the essence. You can’t allow this scheme to go down the toilet like your bog roll business – the haters must be silenced.

Naturally, your first big problem is a matter of logistics. Why would someone drive to Rockingham to buy face masks that have been sitting in your disgusting garage for the past year, when they could just pop to the local pharmo?

Well, that’s easy. You have the biggest range in town – the medical ones you hoarded and then the 3 layer cotton handmade ones that can be reused and have a sick Aussie flag pattern on them. Health measures with attitude – what the fark are you looking at, COVID?

Of course, when you say “handmade” you certainly don’t mean by you but hey, someone must’ve made them right?

Anyway, the little fingers of sweatshop superstars are better at getting those stitches extra tight. Don’t be afraid to make fraudulent claims about the efficacy of your brand of mask. It’s not like you’re plugging a COVID curing magic light machine. You’re not a monster.

So you’ve got a hot product now all you need to do is crush your competition. You can just throw the masks on Marketplace and wait but you’ll need to be more proactive than that to sell the ridiculous overstock you’ve found yourself with.

This leads you to the only realistic option. Use your admin status on a neighbourhood group to plug your masks and suppress any attempts at challenging your empire. No, sweetie that sales post will NOT be “aloud”. Not on your watch.

If sales are slow, drum up a bit of panic with some anecdotal horseshit you heard from your bored cousin about an outbreak in Baldivis. Preying upon people’s fears is the first rule of pandemic related entrepreneurism.

Be sure to remind punters several times that they must hand wash the mask before using it. Otherwise, their lungs will be treated to a decent peppering of dust, bug spray and Round-Up that you kept next to them for the year.

Remember to not be like this chode: The Anti-Masker