5 Ways To Stop Sweating Like a Greasy Lump Of Cheese In The Perf Humidity

There is nothing quite like going from blistering dry heat to a swamp-arsed living hell in February & March. Hot humid days are kind of like the shitcunt cousin of the warm weather family. No one wants it around but whaddya know? It’s here and it’s going to drain you of every last drop of patience.

Lower the benchmark –  much like enjoyment, suffering is a subjective concept. Humid AF days are no doubt uncomfortable but what if you were to boost your own spirits by increasing the suffering of everyone around you?

Easily done, just douse yourself with the usual insufficient amount of Lynx that has little to no antiperspirant qualities. Drip your brand of salty essence all over communal furniture or just stink like the BFG’s fungal gooch outbreak.

Live in Denial – refusing to concede it’s humid at all is a great tactic for anyone who has pretty much never left their own suburb for the many decades they have lived on this planet. Why would anyone need to leave Balcatta for anyway? 

Simply, refuse to accept the percentage of moisture in the air is high and remind everyone that it’s really not humid and in no way concede that the climate may be changing. 

Go full Perf – there’s no better way to deal with sticky conditions than reminding everyone you see sweating that they’d REALLY suffer if they had endured what you normally endure in Perth’s far northern suburb of Bali.

Of course, what you conveniently leave out, is that you spend the entire 2 weeks of a Kuta bash pissing in the pool bar and then getting Maccas delivered to your air conditioned vila. Don’t worry, they’ll still think you’re tough. 

Take it out on your air conditioning unit – speaking of air conditioning. It’s a great distraction to really beat yourself up over your choice to install evaporative air conditioning rather than refrigerative. 

To avoid flying into a rage just reminisce on all the cheaper electricity bills you’ve had in the past. Then deny Perth tends to go full QLD for a few months of the year. More on this HERE.

Keep your fluids up – you’re leaking water out of every pore on your body. What does that tell you? Your body has had enough of that pesky hydration and is trying to purge you so give it a hand.

Getting smashed in humid weather is a great way to wake up feeling like Spongebob’s wank-rag that was left in the sun. Why mess with nature?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?