The Holden Ute Driver

Jaxsin is a dirty road dog with a V12 bark but a V6 bite. He bought a 2006 VZ with the money he made from “borrowing” tools from worksites during his last stretch of gainful employment in 2016.

Now, Jaxsin doesn’t let the fact he got fired 4 years ago stop him from wearing his Hi-Vis shirt. His professional appearance is what separates him from the other shard smouldering shitwits. Hi-Vis, speed dealers and grotty goatee – the holy trinity of agro.

In day to day life, the cock implanted on Jaxsin’s heads remains as a perpetual semi. However, once behind the wheel of his ute this cranial appendage becomes a full rager and everyone’s liable to cop a spray.

On a leisurely drive to stock up on piss, a motorist switches into his lane right before one of his favourite set of lights to do a burnout at. His complexion turns redder than the traffic signal and he feels compelled to deal with the situation.

He jumps out of his car at the lights, runs to the driver’s window and goes off like Barry Hall getting blue shelled by Brent Staker in a Mario Kart tournament.

A timid student behind the wheel cowers in fear as Jaxsin flails around like he was delivering an interpretive at the academy of performing crack turkeys.

Now, most folks would value their freedom over headbutting a stranger’s driver’s side window. Not Jaxsin though, he seems quite content on carrying on like a cashless Pauline Hanson at a cardless Asian deli.

He can’t stop thinking about the minor 5 seconds of inconvenience he endured. He’s in such a rage trance that he doesn’t notice the light going green. Needless to say, he gets a tad worked up when a fellow ute driver dares to beep him.

Once again, he bursts out of his car like the load his mother should’ve gulped down. He then charges at the offending vehicle, rips off the antenna and jumps on the bonnet like a scaly extra from Mad Max.

Unfortunately, Jaxsin fails to see the man has a dashcam rolling. Every minute of his panel beating is being filmed. Perfect footage too, you can see every drop of rage-spittle fly from his ever-rambling gob.

Now no one ever accused Jaxsin of being a genius, but getting filmed pummeling a car in your ex-employer’s work shirt probably isn’t the perfect crime.

Serenity now, Jaxsin, Hakea later.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?