Being a Massive Workplace Arse Kisser

In the cruel ocean of the workplace, there are predators and prey. Which is why you have become a suckerfish that latches directly onto the arsehole of the apex predator – your boss.

Some would argue that you rely on kissing-arse because you have no discernable talent, charm or grit. However, these haters really underestimate how much you sacrifice to be a shameless brown noser.

Say goodbye to your dignity, self-respect and even a part of your soul once you decide that arse kissing is for you. Make the goodbye count because you’re very unlikely to ever get them back.

First and foremost, to succeed in this arena of cringe, you must first identify your superiors points of insecurity. Perhaps your boss is dogshit at golf or they drive an Alfa Romeo? Do your homework and determine which ways the winds are blowing before sending a rich plume of smoke directly towards their dirty crevice.

Outside of specific interest, a suck-hole must agree with the bosses terrible decisions publicly. Always be the first person in the meeting to heap praise on yet another short sighted decision that will yield the company no success.

If you want extra points you must also defend your boss against anyone with the audacity to speak their mind and offer constructive feedback. Enable the living fark out of your incompetent boss. Remember, they are the shark and the young mover & shaker with all the good “ideas” is a big, delicious dhuey.

Most importantly, laugh at every cretinous joke that comes out of your bosses charmless lips. Not just a courtesy giggle, hit ‘em with a full-blown knee slap. Weeks later, remind your boss of past zingers. Make him feel like Rove.

Remember to always volunteer to do arse kissing shit – fire warden, organising Secret Santa, etc. At any morning tea or shindig retrieve your master a plate before anyone else. At the Chrissy bash, even come in with an impromptu toast. You’re going to need jaw surgery after sucking this exquisitely all year.

Please note that that you will never actually be respected by your boss. Quite the opposite, you will always be seen as a snivelling yes man or woman and never truly progress in the company.

Ambition is overrated anyway.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?