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The WA Transit Officer

Tex was infamous at school for being both a bully and a snitch. The sort of kid to administer a gnarly nipple-cripple on the bus and then tell the bus driver it was justified because you were the kid responsible for tagging up the seats. 

Some say that Tex was bitten by a radioactive security guard in his youth and his DNA underwent a radical transformation. He became the highest-grossing transit officer this state has ever seen. No one could escape his infringement web. 

Tex swaggers through the Esplanade traino. His orange vest and handlebar mo serve as a warning to all scumbag fare-evaders: Tex is deployed and this is his God damn desert storm.

It has just turned 4:30pm and Tex sees a man get off a train with his bike, “not on my watch”. He walks straight past a rowdy group of day drinkers who are almost certainly going to cause mayhem on the train. He has more pressing matters.  

Tex stands directly in the cyclist’s face, “what are the rules about bikes on trains, son”. He calmly explains that when he got on the train at West Leederville it was 4:20pm and therefore he was permitted to take his bike on. “Well, what time is it now shitbird?” 

The man is briefly blinded by the sparkle of minor authority coming from Tex’s maniacal eyes. The man considers this whole affair to be ridiculous and signals to Tex that he will be walking a few metres to get out of the public’s way. 

Tex’s cop fantasy boils over and he radios in that the man was trying to flee. He pushes the man against a nearby wall, “walking away was rather silly wasn’t it son?” He slaps handcuffs on the man and gets an authority-stiffy. Which is only the second hardest thing in his pants: the first is the pepper spray that he is itching to use.

By this stage, the arrested bloke is feeling mighty uncomfortable and tries to wriggle into a more comfortable position. Big mistake. Tex has seen way too many episodes of Cops and decides to give him the ol’ spicy money shot. Right in the eyes and hair too. 

He quickly looks around to see how many girlies are about to throw their underwear at his rockstar effort. Surprisingly few. Most people are just filming and telling him he’s stuffed up this time. 

Being put on leave pending an investigation is nothing new for Tex. He spends his time on UFC comment sections telling other dudes he could belt the piss out of them. Just a day in the life of a borderline psychopath. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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