Perth is preparing to harness a green yet sadly nonrenewable source of energy today. Setting up powerful batteries to collect the raw energy generated every time JK touches the footy.
Boffins estimate that every snag JK can kick could generate as much as 1,000kWh of juice and the final send off expected to generate 5,100kWh alone. They are calling this a “serious opportunity”.
Similarly, the boo’ing generated from any Crow misfortune enough to smother, tackle or in any other way impede JK is expected to create “potentially dangerous surges” which are being monitored closely. A scientist told The Times,
“The applause is a steady, positive energy source that we can just gobble up like a Turkey at a seed flavoured suckatorium but the boo’ig is more sinister and can hit in bursts that are hard to prepare for, especially on an occasion like this”
To ensure Perth can milk every kWh of energy, West Coast officials will be stationed at every exit and will be negating memberships of any Eagles fan thinking they can slip out early in the event of an underwhelming performance.
A spokesperson for the Eagles told The Times,
“We considered welding the gates shut but thought maybe that could be a bit of a hazard so we’ll just be at the exits in great numbers ready to strip membership of traitors. It’s a little extreme but you know how our fans can be”
READ MORE: Eagles officials will “weld gates shut” to stop members slipping out before JK’s farewell
While the city prepares for a truly blessed electricity boom, local councils from Victoria Park to Mandurah are preparing for up to 15 NIMBY noise complaints per JK goal.
We spoke to a council over 50km from the Stadium who told The Times,
“The noise is going to be pretty intense and we’ll have a lot of people who have moved in 50km from a stadium and then think they are entitled to make a noise complaint. Monday is going to be absolutely hectic but these people really have nothing going on in their lives, so what can we do?”
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