Welcome to Bunbury the jewel in the South West’s crown of shame. Come and experience why people choose to holiday in Margaret River instead.
Getting There – If you actually want to visit Bunbury you are going to need a rig that chews through petrol. Something very wasteful.
Why? Because if you are not desperate for petrol by the time you hit Bunbury you are almost certain to dive balls deep into the best experience Bunvegas has to offer – the bypass. A shitbox Commy with a Hilzeez bumper sticker will suffice.
Top Experiences in Bunbury
Lurk in Withers – sure, you could join the cowardly tourists and bunillioniares and soak in the vistas from the waterfront but where’s the fun in that?
If you want a proper experience, take that Commy and do as the locals do and menacingly roll around Withers in your pippy palace. Use the abandoned shopping trolleys as navigation points on your lurk.
Thug it out at the Farmers Market – it’s a lot like any Farmers Market except full of Bunbarians. Exept as a general proposition that they aren’t thrilled to have you there and go toe to toe with impatient locals to grab some fresh produce.
Go during a long weekend for a real taste of South West v Perth tension. It’s fierce and you’ll understand why the region wants to build a temporary wall during the hot months.
Hone your Toolie skills at Groovin’ the Moo (if it returns) – you don’t have to wait until November to try and impress young’ns with your crippling Peter Pan syndrome. Head down to Groovin’ the Moo in May – Funbury’s biggest 16+ music festival.
You may not get any respect in your day to day life but you’ll feel like a real big man staunching teenagers and hitting on girls who won’t judge you for living in a van. Hey, the party doesn’t have to stop at 32 years old, right? Unlike your hairline recession.
Play with some Dolphins – when in Bunbury you have to swim with the dolphins. Watch out though, if you’ve had a successful night out at Fitzy’s you’ll want to wash that strong stench of fish from your appendages – you wouldn’t want to be mistaken for their favourite meal!
Evolve into the final form of the old Mediterranean man/woman – why water your driveway every day and stare down your neighbours when you could finally get that acreage and grow apples?
Join the other wogs in the farming outskirts of Bunbury and be whisked back to the old country. Just imagine the size of the driveway you can water there. La dolce vita.
Culinary Treasures – Food? Don’t kid yourself. If you actually lived the Bunbury experience you’d be a member of the glass-brass section of the city crystal orchestra you won’t need to waste any of your money on food.
If you are hungry however remember not to ask for the special salt at Chicken Treat.
Local Fashion – To truly fit in you need to wear the latest in “Incarcerated in 2001-chic”. It’s truly like a fashion time warp that makes Busselton look like Milan.
Testimonials –“Yeah, I get why they built the bypass now, and it has nothing to do with traffic congestion. Still better than Collie though, at least on a genetic diversity front” – T Hammersmith; “You old enough to drink?” – T Oolie
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
