Like an unhinged wank-apade through the streets of San Diego, the Kony 2012 movement came hard on the unsuspecting face of social justice.
While the intense load of slacktijizzum stung the eyes of the discerning punter, it completely blinded others – Timothy was one of those sheep, proudly sharing the viral video along with his own lengthy plea to bring Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony to justice.
Like a post-coital mayfly, he completed his life’s potential in a single day and he could’ve died happy at that moment. Essentially, the war was won, all Ugandan forces had to do was load their AK-47s with armour piercing “awareness” and bring Kony to justice.
He ordered his “action kit” in preparation for the hugely hyped “Cover the Night” event. Ultimately, he decided that posting a photo with the kit was a far greater act than joining the other 5 guys at the meetup. Work to save the children smarter, not harder.
It wasn’t long until the feel-good gloss of the movement wore off and people realised that some breeds of sloths were more active in Africa than Kony; and he was probably hiding so deep in the bush he was shaking hands with a 1970’s porn stars crabs. In other words, there were bigger fish to fry in the saucepan of humanitarian abuse.
So, that explains where Kony and Invisible Children went, but whatever happened to Timothy? Surely, his passion for saving African child soldiers meant he wasn’t going to drop the issue after one video share? Well, this may shock you, but that’s exactly what happened.
In fact, Timothy never spoke about Kony again, but the pilot light of slacktivism still whimpered in his heart – ready to ignite a mighty blaze for the next trending issue. He will stop at nothing to make sure you know he supports a cause on a superficial level, even going as far to sign online petitions.
You may have been expecting a sad story of lost potential, but it’s now 2019, and Timothy has been a fierce one day advocate for literally hundreds of issues. Basically, if it has a hashtag he is all over it like a measles rash on an anti-vaxxer’s kid.
We asked Timothy if he ever thinks about Kony and the reign of pain he is subjecting Ugandan children to, he replied, “who? Oh yeah, that guy, didn’t troops shove a bayonet up his arse in Libya?” Close enough Timothy.
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