6 housemates that will question your will to live

The pisswreck – these come in many shapes & forms. From the FIFO week off rampager to the weekend warrior who treats every weekend as an audition for an upcoming Steve O biopic. 

While these types can be fun in moderation you’ll find yourself growing quite tired of their portable speaker at full volume and 3 am bedroom crashing antics to ask you if you’ve got an iPhone charger for their pisswreck mate.  

The cheapcunt – typically has the fiscal restraint of a bogan with a winning scratchie. Be prepared to chip in their rent most weeks as they seemingly spare no expense on their own pursuits of leisure. Then enjoy the week of chasing them up for the money. 

When it’s not rent or bills they are striking you where it hurts. Your fridge. There is an unspoken rule about the communality of some items but that sure as shit doesn’t extend to that Powerade you’ve specially bought for your impending hangover. The cheapcunt has no shame in what the pilfer. Beware. 

The grub – existing in a perpetual state of filth, the grub is the personification of the black plague. You’ll find yourself cursing their name when you step in a pool of urine at the base of your toilet while trying to chuck a cheeky slash in the middle of the night. Or you may be treated to their 3-week tuna mornay timebomb when you open the fridge. 

Alternatively, you’ll find his or her pubes all over your bathroom and even more alarming on your trimmer. Anyway you look at it, the grub adds an unnecessary level of stomach churnation to your subletting experience. Avoid at all costs. 

The lazy sack of shit – closely related to the grub is the lazy sack of shit who had their mother wipe their arse for them until they were 27. See, every cleaning job is someone else’s problem and the sight of their constant dishes piling up will end up consuming you.

Try to contain your anger as the lazy sack of shit performs 1 cleaning task a month and then lauds it over everyone’s head like they are the embodiment of Mr. Sheen after hitting the pippy. Oh, you wiped your own grease off the stove top did you? Hold up, we’re going to need a podium for this award ceremony. More on rent inspections HERE.

The creep – the problem with assessing potential housemates is the human ability to mask your bullshit for the 10 minutes it takes to meet you for the first time. Soon after the cracks begin to form. Underwear starts disappearing. 

Not only is the creep disgusting to be around but they act as a kind of social surface spray that will keep your own friends at bay. Whatever you do, avoid their room at all costs. Shining a blue light in there would create a blinding light show that you’ll never recover from. 

Self-appointed king or queen of the castle – there always seems to be one housemate who appoints themselves the ruler of the land. A real “my way or the highway” type flog that tries to impose ridiculous rules where they see fit. 

Enjoy the weekly essays they write in the house group chat as they air every minor grievance while labouring under the delusion they are some prize pig to live with themselves. For a laugh, go against one of their royal decrees and watch them implode. 

RELATED: The Human Zoo – the Gumtree Housemate

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?