Rent inspections truly are the rogue skidmark on the grundies of your life. Nothing makes you want to add some Metamucil to your financial diet and get your shit together like spending a weekend scrubbing your abode to trick the property manager into thinking you live in a Spray & Wipe commercial.

Despite the ample notice, the big clean will only begin at the last possible opportunity. This adds an extra level of unpleasantness to the job because you can’t slack off now. It’s Sunday night and your place still doesn’t live up to the impossible standards of rental agencies.

There is also no better occasion than the big clean to further grow to hate certain housemates who normally expect a medal for dumping a bowl in the sink and filling it with water to soak.

Watching a sack of unmotivated human excrement pull out 2 weeds per half-hour really brings out the Snowtown in you. Of course, you have yourself to blame for choosing to lodge with this organism. It’s best to just sit back in a state of wonderment and feel safe in the fact they’ll never truly be loved.

An essential part of any pre-rent inspection clean is to dispose of all your dirty secrets. Perhaps a freeloading mate has been living in your spare room, perhaps you have an unauthorised pet or perhaps your “special” crop will not be looked upon favourably by the real estate people.

Preparation is essential as the last thing you want to be doing is driving your mull plant in broad daylight at the last minute because your plans fell through. You nor the herbs need that kind of stress in their lives. Sort it out.

After the big clean you will be left with an endorphin rush. You can’t believe how nice it is to live in a state of purity. You’ll joke & laugh with your housemates about maintaining this standard but you’re all just lying to yourself. It’ll go to shit, it always does.

When it comes to the actual inspection there appear to be two types of agents. Firstly, the NCIS agent that finds evidence of your domestic crimes in every nook & cranny. Secondly, the agent that is trying to set a new world record for the briefest inspection possible. In and out faster than a 2 pump chump.

After the event, all that’s left is to wait for the letter to inform you of whether you live like swine or not. In the case of the NCIS agent, you’ll get a baffling absurd list of things that you need to fix up immediately. Including the horrors of cobwebs, dust and, heaven forbid – grass that is 1cm too high.

In the event of the other type of agent, you’ll never actually know about things that need to be fixed in your place until you vacate the property and the agent is trying to deduct them from your bond. After all, your bond is a great source of funds for all those little wear & tear jobs the landlord has been meaning to get around to.

On the plus side, you’ll get to exist in a house that your mother would be proud of for a few hours. Also, you’ll be one step closer each time to opening up that second ING account and reading that copy of the Barefoot Investor you got for X-Mas.

Related: Ms Property Manager

Further reading: Perth First Home Buyers Outbid on Dream Meth Cave

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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