7 Ways To Be An Elite Instagram Food Wanker

Demand free food for “exposure”

Nevermind that 90% of interaction on your posts are from bots, you know what you got. An (on paper) following of 3500 purchased followers and accordingly you should never pay for a meal again. 

Hit up every restauraunt you can with an offer to “collab” which essentially means – free food in exchange for a post no one is going to care about. An irristable offer for any eastery dealing with the uncertainty of lockdowns. 

Only visit places from online lists

The only eateries that are worth your time are ones gaining critical acclaim (i.e. paid to be featured). Now, even though you only dine at places from such lists, you will most certainly tell people you discovered them before they were published as you have an insatiable #hungerlust.

Question everything

It’s 2021 and in no way is it acceptable to just drop a menu on someone’s table and just walk away. In the snowflake generation the waiter is required to painstakingly answer all your questions to cater for whatever food fad you have decided to follow today.

Furthermore, how can you write a decent caption without knowing the exact source of every ingredient on the plate? Make them work for the tip you’ll never give. 

Photograph TRENDING Food

You are definitely not like every other shutter-fuck with a $2k Canon. Oh no, your food pics are miles ahead because you follow a little thing called trending foods sweetie.

Can you believe that culinary cave-Orc just uploaded a picture of a edible flowers? Um that is sooooo January 2021 mate. You are currently working your way through ramen. Not the ramen you eat though, the real kind x. 

One upping

So what if a rival foodie found the best gyozas in Perth, you had the best in Japan, served to you by the best chef, in a 2 person restaurant in the bathroom of a samurai sword maker.

It is important to always have a story ready from your culinary tour of the world to shit all over the under-cooked anecdotes of your so called “friends”.

Review harshly

The cornerstone of any amateur foodies review is that compliments show weakness. Even Heston could cut you an apple and you’d still complain it was just too… appley. Be harsh, after all you set the standard to which all chefs strive.

Big league them with your modest following

3,500 followers. 40% purchases, 40 % bots, 20% people that understand your blogs true brilliance. Before dining, message the restaurant and tell them that you are in town and would be keen to “work together” or “collab”.

You ask for free food and drink and in return, they get “exposure” to all those bots on your Instagram. This will come in handy when the machines rise and bots develop enough sentience to go out for a lovely spot of lunch.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?