Welcome to Mossie P! Find out why people are saying “it’s not really part of the Golden Triangle” today!
1. Take years off your life on Stirling Highway
It wouldn’t be a day out in Mossie P unless you bust a blue vein on Stirling Highway. A truly epic piece of shit that will go down in Perf’s hall of fame infrastructure disasters. You know the energy.
You’ll feel 10 years older just from madly switching in and out of the two lane abomination trying to avoid buses to the left and Aunt Meryl making sure there’s at least a 1km buffer zone before she dares take the plunge on that right turn. Heaven.
2. Slum it
Mossie P is truly a tale of two suburbs – a clash of extreme wealth and those considered to be in poverty because they have to drive a Nissan Pulsar. Yes, this suburb is so out of touch that it thinks it has a ghetto because of some slightly more affordable housing in some areas.
So live out your Dickensian fantasy with all the shiteaters. Some bins got torched recently and the rich wanted to send in the military! Don’t you want to be part of that kind of NIMBY meltdown?
“I can’t believe I survived a walk through the bad part of Mosman Park. This will be a story I’ll tell my grandkids one day!” – Testimonial from Tim
3. Take your NIMBYism to the next level
Speaking of NIMBYism, Mossie P punches well above its weight when it comes to outrageous suburban demands. Don’t forget this is the suburb that tried to ban an ice cream van because of the music being a disturbance!
So during your time in Mossie P dig as deep as you can. Really try to outdo yourself on the NIMBY stakes. You know what’s annoying, Saturday morning sport. I reckon that could be a lovely hill to die on.
“I made a complaint about delivery vans parking in driveways. They ought to park down the street and walk. Why should I have to explain to my child what blue collar is?” – Testimonial from Sara
4. Get some front-row seats for the impending FOGO meltdown
Staying with the NIMBY theme for a minute, FOGO is being introduced in August 2023. Now, for the uninitiated, the affluent have more of a right than everyone else to be wasteful. Thus, any attack on their bin capacity or routine is seen as an attack on their bloodline.
So get some front-row seats for the upcoming meltdown. Just imagine a big important ratepayer getting slapped with a warning notice for not using the FOGO bin system properly. Heads will roll!
5. Look down with disgust at SOR
Time to really immerse yourself in the Mossie P experience. Let’s take a little drive to Bay View Lookout. Why is this so special? Because you can stare right down the guts of the swan at SOR in total disgust. Just like the locals.
It’s a seriously good view. SOR scumburbs as far as the eye can see. You can even take a cheeky glance to your left to judge those Dalkeith residents. They don’t have even a quarter of the elevation Mossie P has, suckers.
6. Rub your peasanty stink all over the bowls club
Mossie P Bowls Club is a legendary venue adored by many. Mostly you’ll find private school kid’s 21st parties as they “slum it” it a multi million dollar venue. Alas, news got out about the views of the great unwashed! No!
There’s nothing quite like partying it up while enjoying a view the locals most certainly don’t want your eyes enjoying. Take in every forbidden vista.
7. Ampol Foodary
For a quintessential Mossie P experience you should yack in a taxi after a night of drinking and when it pulls into the servo to clean up you swoop in on the delights within. That’s livin’ Barry.
Drunkenly browse the fare on offer like so many little rich kids before you. Load up on sustenance and then go and tell your taxi driver that your dad will sue him if he even tries to charge you for that vomit cleanup.
“I met the love of my life drunk at the Ampol Foodary. We share a bacon & cheese sausage roll before chucking it back up a few seconds later” – Chris
8. Master your arse
What’s the secret to the Mossie P yummy mummy? The absurd number of steep hills in the suburb of course. Sometimes you’re not sure if you’re driving or ascending to base camp. It is built on top of some cliffs after all.
Naturally, you should take this opportunity to master your own arse. Not that you’ll have much choice mind you.
9. Imagine shelling an elite yacht at Rotto
The cost of living crisis can be a real drain on one’s self-esteem. Do you know what helps though? Hating on rich people of course. It’s a time-honoured tradition that has kept the middle class calm enough to not become the barbarians at the gate (at least for now).
So head to the Leighton Battery and have a good ol’ fashion roleplay session where you are the general and you’re aiming those big cannons right at some wanker’s $5M yacht moored at Rotto. You’ve got a clear view!
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