7 am: I stand in front of my mirror and affirm to myself that posting thirst traps for simps is a real job, no matter what my parents say.
8 am: instead of eating breakfast like a normal person I livestream myself under the bullshit guise that people are always asking about my muesli routine, no one has ever asked.
9 am: I get into an argument with my mum, she claims that if I am going to eat all her expensive yoghurt I could at least pay some board, in my head, I am too famous for this negativity.
10 am: I call up my cameraman who for some reason thinks he’s my boyfriend, I tell him I have received a shipment of fast fashion and the world can’t wait to see how good I look in these shitty $5 crop tops.
11 am: despite wearing the hottest sweatshop wear of 2023, I write a caption about how blessed I am to use my imaginary fame to make a difference in the world.
12 pm: I lock myself in the bathroom and tell my cameraman he is dead to me after my post doesn’t immediately go viral.
1 pm: I drag my cameraman along to some beach locations to get some bikini content I know will pop, he claims this isn’t a nice way to spend our 3-year anniversary.
2 pm: to stop his whinging I offer him a discount on my exclusive Only Fans content, I tell him he can sort himself out in my parent’s toilet.
3 pm: his sobbing and stroking distract me from doing a video about my skincare routine so I send him a payment request for the full price of my content.
4 pm: after heavily filtering the video I tag the makeup company to make it look like I have a lucrative endorsement, my followers don’t need to know that I am just their customer.
5 pm: I notice a rival influencer has yielded far more engagements today so I fire up my burner account and tell people that she buys followers and earns money by going Dubai-style.
6 pm: the camera man takes me out to shoot dinner content, after letting the food go cold I tell him it’s time to present me with the ring.
7 pm: I make him redo his marriage proposal twice because the sound quality wasn’t up to scratch, I then notice that he bought the wrong ring.
8 pm: I scream at him that I wouldn’t even give a homeless person a two-carat diamond ring and he has ruined my life.
9 pm: while he drives me home I go live and cry to my followers that my heart has been broken, this is the engagement I was looking for.
10 pm: my post has beaten my rival’s video about visiting her grandma in the hospital, I am now giddy with joy and tell my cameraman he’s going to get the best dry hump of his life.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?