I hope this letter finds you well. I met my boyfriend at the start of winter and lately I’ve been seeing worrying signs that he might be a full blown turbo d-bag.
At first, I thought he just liked to go to the gym but then he left his laptop open one day with a file called The Protein Pimp open.
There were about 2000 shirtless gym selfies in it. He also gets regular fake tans, loves fist pumping to house music and got racing stripes shaved into his latest fade.
Is my feller a turbo? Please help me!
Thanks for the letter Sasha.
Like all abominable personality traits, turboism is not black or white. It exists on a spectrum – which sadly means we all have a little turbo in us! You unfortunately may have 6 inches more than your average. So let’s get to work on diagnosing him.
First and foremost, you’re going to have to be brave and fist pump around him to determine how ironically he’s doing it. Be sure to do it properly as if he thinks you’re mocking him he may suffer a catastrophic ego failure and slam shots of protein shake until he ODs.
If he tests positive to unironic fist pumping to house music you’ll have to run another test. Look deep into his eyes and tell him you want to go to The Lookout for a Sunday session.
Pay close attention. A true turbo would NEVER take his main squeeze to his “hunting grounds” and that will be plastered all over his dumb face.
Once you’ve determined how far gone he is on the turbo spectrum the next step is working out whether you can live with it or not. Remember, the symptoms of high level turboism will really flare up over the summer so be aware what you are signing up for.
Symptoms include: (1) second hand cringe as he treats the beach like his personal catwalk. (2) Leeching off you after he quits his job to focus on his body over summer. (3) Trying to fight your brother at Xmas due to a mix of roid rage and his triceps being bigger. (4) constantly remind you that he’d never cheat despite every girl on the planet wanting him. (5) Habitual cheating. (6) Honking at girls on the street even if you’re next to him – it slipped babe.
If you have come this far in the advice there is almost a 100% chance you have decided to end this relationship before it gets turbo charged. Thankfully, this is the easy part.
While he probably has already become dependent on you for spending money he still is probably clocking in 2-3 shifts a week at the supplements store still.
All you need to do is convince him that you know a girl in social media marketing who thinks his workout TikToks rival those of Zyzz.
Get a friend to tell him this. The hotter the babe the better. If you’ve done the job right you’ll get a lovely letter 2 weeks later stating that he’s left you and taken the contents of your fridge with him.
According to him, you’re only slowing him down now and he’s destined for great things.
Congratulations, you have de-turbo’d your life.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?