I hope this letter reaches you urgently. I have been dating this new feller for a month and I thought I’d introduce him to my friends tomorrow at the Grand Final party. There is only one problem though!
He supports Collingwood, has a photo of Jordan Degoey as his phone screen, and thinks Eddie is actually a pretty good bloke.
I know I’ll have to tell my friends his dirty secret one day but I’m worried about doing it at the Grand Final party. Will I be ruining the day? Help! I can really see myself making a life with this man.
You were right to bring this up and I hope my advice reaches you before it’s too late.
Bringing any Collingwood supporter to a Grand Final party is a risky move. Let alone a potential future husband (which I also have some strong feelings about but let’s keep to the matter at hand). Lucky for you, it can be done.
First of all, you should arrive earlier than him. Take with you his Collingwood scarf and ensure it is musky with his Lynx Africa scent. When you arrive people will see you with it and look at you like you stepped in a pile of dogshit. This is normal. This stage is about getting your mates accustomed to his scent.
Next, it is time to desensitise your friends to some of the aural stimuli they are likely to hear. Phrases like “Nick Daicos for Norm Smith” or “Anyone would have Ginivan on their team” may sound jarring but it will be a lot worse if they hear these straight from your new feller’s mouth.
Please note, that I do not suggest delving into any pro-Eddie areas. Inevitably, he will reveal himself as a Maguire sympathiser and our goal here is to have endeared him JUST enough so when that moment comes no one throws a Pringles tube at his head.
Now it’s time to introduce your feller. Make sure he comes in bearing gifts – ideally the cob loaf you made. After all, he’s just a Collingwood supporter, he’s not the kingpin of a dog-fighting ring so there’s a chance the gift of the cob can help everyone tolerate his presence.
Do your best to humanise him to your mates as much as possible. Their instinct will be to query why he is dressed like a dentist-dodging scumbag. Instead, have him talk about his job (if he has one) or the interesting pubs he wakes up outside after partying with his people.
At this point, you have done all you can and how much of a disaster the day is will depend on factors out of your control. Sadly, if he chooses to smash the hosts’ TV and steal their kid’s charity chocolates after a Collingwood loss then you probably won’t be able to salvage the day.
Please note though, given he’s a Collingwood supporter there is a good chance he’ll do the same if they win. It’s classic pies behaviour.
If he does get a little “Joffa” about it just distract him by saying he should go and get another Collingwood face tattoo now. This is your trump card, he’ll be down at that parlour quick smart.
Good luck Jarmayka, you’re going to need it, my friend!
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