Perth was shocked to hear that the AFL had ruled against staging a Grand Final parade in Perth due to terminal butthurt-itis, “terrorism” concerns, and some other horseshit to hide the fact they are mad as hell about Perth being the prime jurisdiction.

Sources close to the AFL event planning board confirmed with The Bell Tower Times that,

“Look, the original view of the organisation was that they’d rather shit into frangers and call them sausages than allow Perth to razzle-dazzle the nation with their scenic city views and wide streets in a parade”

A fair point, given Riverside Drive, looks like it was taken straight from Daytona and the Terrace gives any celebrity that windswept look the cameras eat up so much.

Nevertheless, the source told us,

“That was until we saw those 11 neon letters hovering off centre across William St in Northbridge. Let’s just say the head honchos were BLOWN away. They needed it, they wanted it, they HAD to have it”

A source close to Gillon said the CEO started salivating in awe, he told us

“Gill is a bit of a pencil-pushing dickworm but when he saw the NORTHBRIDGE sign he understood the significance. Australia has been through so much lately and he knew the nation NEEDED to see this sign. It would instantly take them back to a holiday on Venice Beach – especially given the streets had that same pungent stench of human piss”

The AFL was so impressed with the sign that Gill asked if they could attach two neon footballs on either side. A suggestion that was instantly shut down by the man himself seconds later who conceded that “no, no, no, you don’t mess with perfection”.

Top-level AFL officials back their boy saying they can’t wait to use the sign as a beacon to navigate their way around Northbridge when they are sauced after a session at the Brass Monkey.

Gill, unable to stop looking at a mere photo of the sign started to mutter, “this is going to put this backwater shithole on the map”.

Lucky us.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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