Substitution – at any stage of a pub session, the main group can substitute “your mate” for any reason but typically due to poor performance. This rule gives another social liability a chance to prove themselves on the big stage.
Example: “your mate” wont stop with the Borat impersonations & cock-knocking blokes and the girl he’s with has fallen into a stage-5 woo fest after 3 “eXpresso martinis”. Both are subsittuted off.
Holding the ball – when a mate has possession of a joint and with plenty of prior opportunity has failed to pass the spliff within a reasonable time has infringed on this rule. Incorrect disposal will also relate to oafishly ashing out the joint on someone’s table or carpet.
Deliberate – when a mate habitually manages to avoid buying their round and insufficient intent is demonstrated to honour the round system. Mate behaviour such as ghosting and misplacing one’s bank card will be considered when enforcing this rule.
Example: old mate is doing the stingy-kent Haka again. Tapping his various pockets wondering where his wallet must have gotton to. Insufficient intent to every buy a round.
Not 15 – the not 15 inches rule will apply when “your mate” stands unnecessarily close to you at a urinal. It will be declared that you can play on and push him into the metal wall should you see fit to.
High – when a mate has failed to pace themselves on the D-5 party-helpers and are now off their tits rabbiting non-stop shit when everyone else is on a different level. See the substitution rule for further action that can be taken.
Dissent – a penalty for when a difficult friend refuses to accept the group consensus on where to go or what to do and subsequently cracks the shits. A subjective rule that will be enforced based on the sheer size of the tantrum.
Example: ol’ Peter Pan was slapped with a dissent violation after tirading his “boring friends” after the group unanimously agreed there was fuckall chance a group of late 30’s punters were going to go to The Paramount with him to pick up.
Holding the man – when a mate has reached peak slop and is now all over people being a bit too handsy. Typically accompanied by vigorous sweating and declarations that they love you (on repeat 5 times per sentence).
Throw (up) – in a rush to dispose of a solid throat-sherrin, a mate makes an absolute meal of the delivery and coats your toilet, floor or table in a thick, chunky slurry. A harsh penalty will be applied in the form of making their hungover arse clean it up the next day.
Out on the full – when in the pursuit of “sending it” at a party, a mate goes even beyond full send and creates a situation of pandemonium.
Example: Dieson is all yewwww’d up on goofballs and decided to show everyone that he can jump the pool on his souped up eScooter and ended up at the emergency department with 40 stitches.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?