What Your Choice Of AFL Team Says About You

Eagles – like the guy with the massive softy that hasn’t been able to get it up for a while, you are coasting on your reputation alone. Alas, no matter how many times you show off the pedigree of that now-dormant hog it won’t get any heads turning this year.

Dockers – you are an expert at managing your expectations. A fringe success-dwelling creature that has had its heart broken enough to have serious trust issues – this is your bust state. Your boom state is when Freo wins one game and you decide to get Flagmantle branded onto your face. Boom or bust, there is no in between. 

Collingwood – your cordial manner and award-winning smile has made you an absolute pleasure to be seated near during a game of footy. You’re the sort of defendant a lawyer would be proud to represent because you’re seriously in form. You’ve snorted up a big, fat line of Degoey and you’ll barely sleep until September.

Melbourne – you went to one of Melbourne’s elite private schools and lowballed a seasonal worker on a payout claim after crippling them in a coke-fuelled ski fields incident. You enjoy watching the game from the safety of your MCC segregation and would need several years of therapy to deal with meeting a real Footy fan who you liken to those ghastly men washing windscreens at traffic lights. 

Port Adelaide – you have several restraining orders against amateur league footy umpires and always bring an “i’d headbutt my own mother to get to a bourbon & coke” energy to every AFL game you attend. You were the biggest threat to the success of Gather Round and will be for many years to come. You are a pie floater in the toilet bowl of AFL. 

Adelaide – the West Coast supporter of middle Australia. Like an Aldi-brand elitist you are torn between vindication that you aren’t Port scum and a delusion you can sip Chardy with the likes of Melbourne fans. You have some silverware to tide you over but you’re beginning to get the itch. The ice bugs of drought are beginning to irritate you. 

Brisbane – deep down you know it’s shameful to be a Queenslander and you bravely went against the grain and supported AFL in a state clearly hostile towards it. You don’t take it personally when other fans CBF’d going to Brissy to watch the games.

St Kilda – Flagmantle merely adopted the disappointment. You were born in it, moulded by it. You didn’t see the light until you were already a fan and by then it was nothing to you but blinding false hope. 

Western Bulldogs – you know how to party. The kind of fan you could have a beer with but would certainly triple wrap your pecker if you wanted to delve deeper into their sweaty, moist supporter pit. You’re like the Hep A from a rusty shank of the Victorian scene, not great but there is worse hepatitis to catch. 

Geelong – what happens in the barn stays in the barn right? If your hands are gripping a tractor’s steering wheel they’re latched onto your second cousin’s pigtails while you cheer on an age-defying team who just won’t quit. You’d get married at the Catery if you could. 

Carlton –  like an overfilled ravioli you are always bursting with near-delusional optimism despite your ball-baggers being blue with frustration. You wish you could look at your great nonna & nonna-o’s faces after they realised they had made the sacrifice of migrating to Australia just so their family could act like they won a flag every time they steamrolled a bottom 8 team. 

Essendon – a villainous fan base that has never mentally recovered from the events of the great drug purge. Everyone is against you and you’d have 10 more premierships if it wasn’t for the bungling of the investigation. You have a pretty cruisy job in middle management in a business that involves a warehouse. 

Gold Coast – like a rogue panther in a hick-town there are legends you exist yet no one has ever really seen you in the wild. It’s hard to blame you for not being fanatical because if you wanted to watch contact sport you could go and watch the steroid-apes at Surfers Paradise fight over some wayward eye contact. 

Richmond – you have probably been a staunch member since about 2017. You’ll get aggressive if you’re accused of bandwagoning though and will have a deeply held belief that Richmond owns the AFL due to the history and the G. If it was up to you, you’d bring back the VFL in a fkn heartbeat. 

Sydney – you relish being the thorn in the VFL’s side. Although, if you’re honest you’re a fairweather-fuck and see going to the games as more of a social event. A chance to mouse up that quaff and lose interest as soon as the boys start losing. 75% chance you have a social coke addiction. 

GWS – can only presume you are being held in Western Sydney against your will. Perhaps you moved there for work and were dragged out by AFL officials every two weeks to join the other 8 fans to fill out that stadium. Please wink twice if you need help. 

North – like the golden child that found himself in a life of degeneracy and crime. You have fallen far and are beginning to wonder if you’ll ever get your shit together. Nevertheless, you’ll rock up to the family gathering each year dragging your feet and muttering that you’ll cut someone if they try to merge your team.

Hawks – much like the Liberals, the only success you have is in Tasmania. You enjoy sleeping on a pile of Franking Credits to the cretinous musings of your lord & saviour Jeff Kennet. You hate to say it but your mother is slowly coming to look like Dermie with all those botox injections.

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