REPORT: “Your Mate” At It Again

In news that no one will find shocking, “your mate” has begun acting like a clown after you took the punt on inviting him out with your actual mates for the Grand Final.

By all accounts, you should’ve known this was coming when “your mate” rocked up to the pub 6 froff’s down and already slurring his speech.Your expectations were suitably lowered when “your mate” began amping everyone up for a round of shots. A witness told The Times,

“Who is this fkn idiot? He came in with a very different energy to the rest of us. Kept calling me a pussy because I didn’t want to skol the pint in front of me”

By all accounts, you really knew you farked up inviting this goose when he began interrupting your mate’s stories to regale the group with embarrassing stories of you when you were 19. A witness told The Times,

“We were trying to talk about the game and this drunk fukwit kept asking us if we knew why they called our mutual acquaintance, ‘chipolata’, we all knew where he was going with it but no one really cared to hear the punchline through to the end”

To make matters worse, “your mate” sidled up to a work colleague at the urinal. Maintaining as little distance as possible before hitting him with the razzle dazzle. He explained,

“Yeah he dropped his pants to the floor and power-pissed right into the urinal wall. I got serious splashback. This dude was spraying all over my peen man. I asked the bloke who invited him where they found this jackass. He just signed”

After trying to get the phone number of each and every female in attendance, “your mate” allegedly sack-tapped a bloke at the table and announced that if no one’s “fucken tonight” he was going to go home. 

He indeed tried but was seen 15 minutes later vomiting out the front of an Uber while the driver repeatedly told him he would be cancelling the ride. 

It was undeniable, you rolled the dice and “your mate” was well and truly in form. You only really have yourself to blame. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?