Young western suburbs woman denied entry to Claremont Quarter for not wearing Birkeys

Under Western Suburbs Bylaw across all burbs, all true residents are expected to meet certain standards once the mercury rises and it’s officially deemed “open footwear” season. This morning those standards were sadly not met which led to an awkward refusal of entry for a Cottesloe woman.

It seems young Soph was keen to march to the beat of her own drum – an act of defiance highly condemned in the Golden Triangle. Instead of wearing the mandatory white, vegan leather Birkenstocks she opted for closed footwear complaining that she still thought it was a bit chilly.

We spoke to Soph who had also drawn the ire of The Quarter for failing to ding another BMW while navigating the car park with all the grace of a frenzied bird that had come to be trapped inside the classroom of vehicular incompetence. She told The Times,

“I was told that it was clearly a Birkey day and that if I was having problems with my internal temperature I should’ve done what all the rest of my kind do and wear them with socks. It was so embarrassing I needed this new cute top for my final uni exam!”

The harm soph caused to the community cannot and will not be understated. She was passed by a girl who had enjoyed a couple of Aperol Spritzs with her at The Cott on the weekend. She fainted in second hand embarrassment for having ever talked to Soph. 

While the incident is regrettable many members of the Triangle are now asking how she was allowed to leave the house in the first place. With a witness to the scene telling The Times,

“Was no one home to let her know that she was putting her trust fund in danger? Shaming the family at the Quarter is no laughing matter and she’s done just that. What kind of young western suburbs woman does she think she is?”

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After being refused entry to the Quarter, Soph was forced to drive to Karrinyup and she maintained there was no possible way of sitting her exam in the same top she wore last year. 

Sadly, Soph got lost in the Karrinyup car park labyrinth and missed her exam. It just goes to show you why the Golden Triangle has these bylaws in place. It could have easily been avoided if Soph had just understood what was expected of her. 

Further reading: The Human Zoo – Ms Claremont Quarter

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?