Back in the day, Birkenstocks were the sole purview of Charlie Manson looking cult leaders who excelled at parting morons from their money and convincing women to fornicate with him despite his crippling personal hygiene issues.
Now Birks are the go-to shoe of the rich Western suburbs kids who believe they are Mother Theresa because they visited an orphanage on their last “model shoot” in Bali. While they are worn by men too, they are particularly popular with the female population.
In Perth, they are essentially a class flex – the ol’ Western suburbs passport. This is mostly because a pair will set you back between $80 – $150. Yep, 3 figures for the best in German-made orthopaedic sandals that look like they came off a costume from the set of a Moses bio-epic. Utterly biblical in their eliteness.
Once adorned in your brand-spankin’ pair of Birks you are letting everyone know that you didn’t quite get the marks for Notre Dame law but daddy got you in any way. Like a pretentious foot beacon, you will attract your fellow tribe. Hopefully avoiding any Havianna wearing plebs and crusty footed, Surfer Joe devotees.
They are also useful to signal to venues in the Western burbs to treat you with a golden triangle level of service. This is particularly important during Sculptures by the Sea season when the endless hordes of outer suburban blow-ins walk amongst the chosen people.
You may be asking, how did sandals of all things become popular? Well, one must examine the natural food chain of the sheeple – first, celebrities start wearing them for attention. Next, social “influencers” feel comfortable “expressing themselves” in the exact same way. Finally, the general populace feed upon the scrappy leftovers of conformity.
However, ask any Birkenstock wearer and they’ll tell you that they are wearing them because they are comfortable. Which is true as long as you get through the first few days of wearing two mini BDSM-sex-dungeons on your feet. They will fark you up. Suffer for your fashion or go and get some Aussie flag thongs like the total cretin you are.
When your ready to jump on the next fashion bandwagon simply advertise your sweaty, contorted pair on Facebook Marketplace for only a few bucks less than you paid. After all, these are Birks – they totally hold their value. No matter how much redraw blister juice is soaked into the straps.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?