BREAKING: Transperth shuts Joondalup Line to protect the sanity of Matilda’s fans today

TransPerth has taken the unprecedented step to close a major train line today after deeming the risks to the Australian public “too great” to keep it running.

The decision was made 30 minutes ago after a chant was detected on a train leaving the Clarkson station. A spokesperson for TransPerth told The Times,

“We were faced with a situation where 1000s of English people were coming in hot to the city centre and surrounds. They were charged up over the belief that it was coming home. For the health and sanity of Australians all over Perth, we made the decision to shut that down”

Chaotic scenes erupted at stations along the line with officials doing their best to calm the limey, red-faced mobs. A witness told The Times,

“Butler Station was looking like a scene from Green Street Hooligans. A transit guard was threatening to turn the hose on the crowd to, in his words, give them a well-needed bath. I think things eventually settled down because every passenger waiting was badly hungover and didn’t have the fight in them”

Roger Cook has publicly applauded the decision. Adding,

“That’s for Sam. What a filthy slide tackle. Not that anyone is surprised, that’s the spirit of soccer that England believes in. I think Transperth should close the line indefinitely”

Pressure is mounting on Main Roads WA to pull a similar stunt on the Mitchell Freeway. With many Englishmen resorting to their automobiles after the station closure. One Englishman told The Times,

“Ain’t nuffin stopping me gloating bout this at work. It’s fooooking comin’ ooommmmmme lad, innit? Cheating, convict Aussies, they will be hearing about this all day”

May God have mercy on us all.

REPORT: Matilda’s bandwagoner laying it on a bit thick…

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