REPORT: state of bachelor’s kitchen tiles now somewhere between Clubba and Hip-E Club D-floors

It took some doing but Perth bachelor and all-round swine of a man Tim has managed to transform his kitchen tiles into the old Club Bayview’s dancefloor. Just with much less finger-gymnastics going on. 

All it took was a committed effort to not mop his floors and having the drink-swigging grace of Troy Buswell on a long lunch. He told The Times,

“I noticed it was getting a bit feral about a month ago and I knew I was close to my goal. I’ve been in a bit of a rut so I just wanted to remember the good times. Now these floors are so putrid that I blew out a thong stepping on it. The cohesion was that powerful”

Tim’s friends said they shared a “magical” experience last night after getting home from the pub. He told The Times,

“We decided to have a few more drinks and Tim said he had just the medicine. He calls me into the kitchen where he has a couple of Jagerbombs waiting to go. He said to make sure I dribbled an offering to his kitchen floor. Man it was sticky, it was just like the real thing”

He then reportedly played Ignition by R Kelly and the two men pretended to grind on some St Mary’s girls they’d hooked up with at the Swimmings Afters over a 2 decades ago. Some people might call that peak loser. They called it nostalgic. Tim added,

“Does that make me a saddo? Maybe but I needed a win. We then got on the group chat and told a bunch of mates that Clubba was back. Jeremy didn’t need his arm twisted he appeared within 10 minutes with a bottle of Bacardi 151 he’d been saving for his first mid life crisis”

After Jeremy came over and felt the full force of the stick floor himself they decided to honour the night with the only meal suitable – hotdogs. Sadly, not being served by some bloke in a van was a serious buzz kill.

So they decided to catch an Uber to Claremont HJ’s and launch a few whoppers at some kids. Tim cried he was so happy and he owes it all to his neglected kitchen tiles. Tiles that he worked so hard to keep filthy. His final thought was,

“Now it’s time to reach Hip-E Club levels”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?