Many of Jack’s friendships hang in the balance after his recent decision to upgrade from annoying espresso-machine guy to full-blown insufferable Moka pot guy in the space of just a few months.
Jack’s partner of 4 years was worried she’d smack him over the head with the stupid bag of beans he blew their budget on again this week. Telling The Times,
“It’s ironic because I actually miss the old Jack when he was just an irritating single-origin coffee bean guy but now I just want to use the damn bag to shut him up when he starts his morning Moka pot narration to me. It’s about the pressure, apparently”
A sentiment echoed by his workmate Billy, who told The Times,
“I remember when he was just an aggravating order at the cafe guy. I’d go back to those days of him dictating to the barista the exact way his coffee would be made. Moka Jack is a real piece of shit. Totally insufferable”
It seems Jack was feeling his coffee snobbery had plateaued after the espresso machine his partner got him for X-Mas last year. Telling The Times,
“My brother’s FIFO mate popped over to help with a small job and commented that he had the same espresso machine and it made sik coffee. So obviously that piece of junk had to go. It lead me on a path of soul searching”
Feeling his entire coffee personality reduced to a tradie’s credit card swipe, Jack knew he had to become a full-blown coffee wanker and start doing like they do in the old country.
“See, it’s about the pressure, it’s about the perfect grind, it’s about not tampering… I’m making beautiful coffee not trying to be the 2018 Aussie cricket team. Mmm, smell that brewing? That’s because I’m very particular about the bean I use…”
If you thought he stopped there you would be sadly mistaken. Talking to Jack was like copping a paralysing sting of a wasp and being dragged into a burrow of faux-knowledgeable coffee chat that he was plagiarising from a YouTube video.
It’s estimated that over 5 people a day cop a similar rant from Jack. Some even accusing the bean-head of laying in wait in the office kitchenette and pouncing on anyone who dares use the Nespresso machine.
It’s unclear where Jack will take his interest from here but you can bet your bottom dollar it ain’t gonna be somewhere nice.
His father expressed his concerns that he was dangerously close to becoming a cold drip guy. However, his partner reckons Jack sees himself as more of an Italian master-barista than a hipster shit head.
Oh the irony.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
