Coles apologises for stingy Xmas gift, tells staff they can also have first crack at the skip bin out back

Coles has heard the criticism over their stingy water bottle Xmas gift to staff LOUD & CLEAR. To make up for trying to palm off this year’s excess marketing merch, Coles has made an offer the staff can’t refuse.

Not only will staff still receive the branded bottle & $5 worth of reward points but they’ll also get first crack at the perfectly edible food that is thrown out each day and locked up in a skip bin. A spokesperson told The Times,

“Typically, the dumpster-diver community will get to the food first but as a way to show our staff we appreciate them we are going to undo the padlock personally and let them at it. One shopping bag per staff member and a full strip search will be conducted to make sure no excess stock has been taken”

In preparation for the bounty, every staff member was given an old Coles plastic bag and a free tetanus shot due to many rusted obstacles that may lay in wait as they rummage around the bin.

By all accounts, morale around their stores is now at an all time high. We spoke to an employee who has been spat on three times this year. He told The Times,

“It’s great to feel like you matter to such a big corporation. I was pretty insulted by the merch they tried to give us but the dumpster dive certainly makes up for it. I’m going to get that kg block of cheese even if I have to become the monster I face each day on the front line”

Good for him. He had to excuse himself to practice throwing elbows and headbutting to ensure he gets to that block of cheese first.

To make the gift even more special, millionaire brand advocate Curtis Stone will be airlifted to one store to personally fend off the dumpster diving community with a whip and a chair.

They originally were going to arm him with humble pepper spray but they decided the staff also deserved a show and no one can crack a freeloader in the chops with a whip better than Curtis Stone. Why do you think Oprah was so fond of him?

Merry Xmas Coles staff. Glad to see you are finally being recognised for your hard work.