Down, down, respect for staff is down! After recording record profits and subjecting staff to humiliating bag checks, the top brass thought they’d reward their staff with a little something something.
Their “elves” have been busy making Coles branded water bottles that the staff can personalise by adding their name! They also get 5 Coles points – about $5 (lol).
I know what you’re thinking – which philanthropist is behind this? Surely the executives won’t get a juicy cash bonus this year due to this reckless gifting! Bill Gates, is that you? Check it out:
Despite the absoulute stinginess of this gift, the real magic comes in the HR mandated procedure attached to it.
It’s a proven fact that HR has the ability to suck the fun out of anything – including the purest thing in the world, the act of giving.
In particular, the managers are told to “encourage” all staff members to write their name in the box. Let’s break down what this actually means. In non HR speak:
“All staff members are strongly encouraged to participate in this corpoate approved joy or will be deemed to lack a sufficient Coles Christmas spirit which will be addressed during their next appraisal or strip search. Coles reminds staff that they are contractually obliged to demonstrate sufficient pride in being a Coles team member”
It’s enough to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside isn’t it?
Well, Merry Xmas Coles staff. We can only wonder what bountiful goods you’ll acquire with your 5 reward points. Maybe half a block of cheese?
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?