Ex-Sizzler bloke ready to evolve into his final form as a cruise ship guy

Ever since Sizzler closed there has been a swine-shaped hole in Troy’s heart. He simply couldn’t find a new place to be an obnoxious glutton anywhere else that offered the same bang for his buck.

Sure, he had little flutters at the Perth Royal Show and Atrium when he came across a voucher but it just wasn’t the same. That’s until he learned about the exciting world of cruises.

He was introduced to the idea by a seasoned sea-pig. A cropdusting, pool-shitting, buffet-grazing ham of a man named Steve. Steve told The Times,

“I told Troy to come with me on my next cruise. It’s essentially Sizzler on the sea but with way more booze and bogan beauties to leer at in the pool. Troy was pretty chuffed at that description”

To sweeten the pot, Steve told Troy that he wouldn’t be asked to leave for vomiting in the toilet to make room for more buffet food as seasickness was part of the deal. Adding,

“Sea sickness combined with the nasty bouts of gastro you’ll cop, having a cheeky vom is as normal as breathing. It was very undignified when he was asked to leave Kelmscott for doing that, can a man not have all he can eat in this day and age?”

Troy did have some reservations, however. He was worried that he wasn’t quite as his fighting weight and asked if his blubbery mass would stand out in the crowd.

Steve was quick to assure him that everyone onboard the cruise looks like they belong in the ocean battling a walrus for a clam. So not to be stressed about that.

We can happily report that Troy has gone out and bought a brand-spankin’ pair of Jet Pilot boardies to compliment his Nike slides that have so much supreme-chese on them Domino’s is considering releasing them as a pizza.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?