Mr AFL Fantasy Footy

Aaron knows all too well that you don’t take out last year’s fantasy league award without making a few enemies along the way. After all, the weak must make room for the strong.

In fact, there is still an uneasy atmosphere between him and some of the members since his 2020 blow-up at the league’s awards night they hold at the local pub each year.

See, 2020 was the first time Aaron had won the league and evidently, pissing on Aaron’s parade by saying the season barely counted due to all the COVID malarky was a triggering event for the lad.

No one will ever forget the look on Aaron’s face as he tried to force an apology via a series of frenzied headlocks. Nor will the memory soon fade of Aaron locking himself in a mate’s car and refusing to come out with the cash they’d all pooled for the tab at the end of the night.

The fallout was quite ugly with Aaron throwing his toys out of the cot and laying down a tough ultimatum – it’s either him or the members that decided to shovel shit on his historic asterix year win.

Much to Aaaron’s disgust. The league sided with the members not acting like a massive, unflushable fantasy turd. So he joined a league full of nuffie casuals he could obliterate and regain some respect. He came 8th.

One has never truly experienced boredom until they’ve listened to a 30minute rant about how this unfair suspension will impact Aaron’s team.

Or poor Cheryl that was bailed up by the photocopier and forced to endure Aaron’s full analysis on the rookies he needs to secure if he has any chance of winning the classic mode crown this year.

It’s not just colleagues that cop this shitburger with the lot. It’s his non-fantasy friends too. Watching the footy with Aaron has become less of a pleasurable activity and more of an endurance event testing the very limits of everyone’s patience.

While he goes for the Dockers on paper his real allegiance lies with the players that form part of his imaginary team. Like a habitual Sportsbet loser with another hopeless multi, Aaron will turn on his beloved purple army at the drop of a hat if it means a few extra stats for his boys.

It may not seem normal to barrack against your team but high on fantasy, it is. In fact, the fantasy worm is buried deep into his brain. So much so that any analysis he offers on the game is purely related to a player’s stats. If a player isn’t fantasy relevant, they are dead to him. Shutdown backs are losers and he wishes them no joy in life.

On the other side of the coin, he’s almost worse when one of his players is tracking well to score high. Especially the captain. He quickly resembles a Wiggle after shelving several pingas. His euphoria makes Tom Cruise’s couch jump look like a measured reaction.

However, the good times are just a false economy and his sudden surge of friendliness will turn back into a raging tempest as soon as he sees one of his players go down with an injury. That’s when he pulls his favourite “storm out of the pub before shouting his round” play.

If only Aaron could get it through his head that the only life form who gives a shit about his fantasy footy teams, is him.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?