Abusing the good nature and trust of your online acquaintances is the bedrock that social media was built on. A sturdy foundation that all the shittest people from your high school will rock like a tectonic plate shift. 

A truly skillful fisherman or woman knows that it’s all about using the right bait. Being sure to use the full variety of burley at your disposal to keep your friends biting. Reading the waters is a skill that you will acquire over time but here are some basics.

If you’re looking for a quality set & forget play, hit ‘em with a vague hospital check-in. Doesn’t even matter if you went or not because a grand reveal was never part of your plan anyway. 

Watch your comment fill up like a warm bath of concern and then soak yourself in the attention. Aw yis. It’s guaranteed to work and a lack of explanation fit perfectly given the potentially private nature of a hospital visit. Nice. 

If you feel deceiving people about your health is too scummy then take a play straight from the school of hard knocks book – a vague yet ominous status update that implies someone has aggrieved you in some way. 

One can go full Jerry Springer on it, “yeah sum ppl are so perfect aiiii?hahaha talkshit biatch lol ivery towerrr much?” Or perhaps you’d prefer to approach it gently, “wen will i learn…” 

It’s best to try a few different varieties to see what works. Ultimately, you can judge the success of your post by how many people reply “you ok hun?” to which you reply “DM me babe x”. 

If you’re good looking try commenting on all the photos your friends post of you with “OMG I’m so ugly take it down”. Your white knights will be storming your ego-castle in no time. This wont work if your comment is accurate however.

Classics are classics for a reason and FB’s relationship status is still one of the greatest lures in the game. Naturally, any change to this status will create a reaction but to truly milk it you need an attention-angler’s touch.

Clearly, going on 3 consecutive dates with a smooth-brain you met on Bumble is some kind of record for you. It’s at this stage one should update their status to “in a relationship”. This will net a supertrawlers worth of kudos. 

After the inevitable breakdown, it’s time to switch that baby to “it’s complicated” and after a few days “single”. It’s essentially not to miss the transition stage. Unless you’re comfortable with throwing away the easiest faux-concern you’ll ever catch. 

Leave every DM on seen and only respond to comments with more vagueness. You mustn’t go too deep into the rabbit hole of your own bullshit or you will come unstuck. 

You must exist in the murky grey area of the benefit of the doubt. Should you reveal yourself as a serial liar then you can watch your like-hauls fade with every attempt as people wisen up to you. 

Plus, provided no one has any concrete proof you are lying then you can use the comments from people calling you out as further attention-bait. It’s a self-sustaining ecosystem of rich drama. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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