Perth Warehouse Enjoys Record Productivity After Forkie Calls in Sick

A small business in Perth’s industrial burbs had grave concerns they were going to fall behind with their orders after their resident forklift driver had to take a few days off for some probably made up bullshit.

Amazingly, the absence of the man actually fuelled productivity and the warehouse was operating at “double efficiency”. We spoke to Simmo, the boss of the operation who told The Times,

“I was pretty worried, you’d think not having your main forklift driver would impact our ability to meet our targets. Quite the opposite was true. I fear I may have hired a complete fkn goober in retrospect”

It seems that Deano, the forkie’s best talent at work, is actually creating more problems that require more time to solve. Travis the supervisor told The Times,

“I’ve been telling Simmo for years that this clown is no good. Yes, he’s got a forkie ticket but he’s got a chronic case of shitfabrains. You know what this idiot done? Last week, I seen him reverse into some fragile stock and then manage to lose the load he was carrying! Took us 2 days to catch up”

Recovering at home, Deano said the reports of his workplace being totally unaffected without him were just haters being jealous. He added,

“Let me guess Trav tried to blame all that destroyed stock on me? He’s just jealous he can’t do the same circle work I can. Not to mention the mad nose wheelies I can do on a bad day”

Nevertheless, the numbers don’t lie. With other staff stepping in to operate the forklift, the business saw twice the usual orders sent out per day. It was undeniable, Deano was dragging them down. 

In a shock move, the business has actually worked out it’s cheaper to keep paying Deano to be home than have him back at work. At least until they can figure out a way to let him go.

We understand Deano is “at peace” with this arrangement. 

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