Age: 35
Lives: Wembley
Investment properties: I own a mini-empire of AirBNBs along the Perth coast. Bought my first because I didn’t really know what to do with all the money I was making. They are actually making me more money now. Well they would if I didn’t keep using them for coke parties.
Vehicle: I buy a brand new Hilux every year and that uses quite a bit of fuel but my weekender car is a Tesla that I pay very little for after I hooked myself up a cheeky little cord to my neighbour’s power after he got me to do a cashie for him last year. Sparky baby, zap zap! Call that even.
Grooming (hair): First and foremost I have a barber touch up my cut every 2 weeks. Then I need a steady supply of hair products including one that can keep my smouldering looks in place for the duration of the work day. I spend over $150 on my hair per week.
Grooming (body): You have to understand I jack off in front of a mirror so I have to be looking my best. I fully wax my body every 2-3 weeks, get a spray tan weekly and bleach my dot as the need arises. I am not so much a man but an Adonis. That’s why all the other tradies on site hate me. I spend about $200 a week on my body grooming.
Gym: I won’t lie, my expenditure on Tren is one of my biggest expenses. I like to consider it an investment. An investment that reaps puss returns.
Groceries: My body is a temple and requires a finely balanced combination of ancient grains, organic greens and only the finest silky tofu. My smokos aren’t just food they are art and it’s why I’m the only man on site who doesn’t sound like he’s wrestling an anaconda in the portaloo. I spend $1000 on groceries a week.
Dry cleaning: the first rule of being a sparky on site is to look fresh. So I get my gear professionally laundered every week. I tend to work pretty clean but if I get any ogre-liquids on me from a lesser pleb tradie then I’ll always have a fresh shirt ready to go. I’ve never worn the same pair of undies twice.
Statue polish: I have a statue of myself posing starkers in my home. It’s made of brass and I spend about $50 worth of Brasso a week keeping it shiny. My ex’s tell me its a grotesque display of vanity but I consider it motivation. I gaze upon it and hope I can be as excellent tody as I was yesterday.
Windex: I have full length mirrors in every room so when I take a girl back home I can check out my bis & tris. I have to keep those mirrors as clean as possible. Do you know anyone else who spends $50 on Windex a week?
Gold toilet bowl: That goes without saying. I spent $10k on. It’s not a weekly expense but I thought I’d just bring it up so you knew. I’m a real baller.
Legal costs: I’m not sure why but other tradies don’t seem to get along with me. So every other week I’m paying my lawyer to get another restraining order to protect me. I had to get one after a concreter saw me drinking kombucha for god’s sake!
Tinder etc: I go on 5 Tinder dates a week. Many people think I’m too toey but it’s actually not for me. It’s more of a public service. Girls get to be seen with me and for a few brief moments believe that they are worthy to be in my presence. That’s the gift I give to the world.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
