IN FOCUS: Meelup Beach

Some say the true joy of going down south is that you get to travel 3 hours just to end up at a beach with everyone else from Perth who decided to get away from Perth. Accordingly, Meelup Beach car park can get hairier than a Greek greengrocer’s gooch.

This is mainly because the car park is filled with luxury 4WD owners who don’t really recognise your pleb right to exist much less your need to find a park at the same beach they are visiting. It is Dunsborough after all.

On the plus side, the tensions in the car park can boil over and there’s a reasonable chance you might see a bust-up. So grab an ice cream cone and enjoy the show. Perhaps you’ll see the holy grail of a rough Patrol driver versus a wanky Prado driver. One can dream.

Alas, those 4WD are usually crawling with the chosen ones – western suburbs children who have been raised without boundaries. Meelup Beach is the home to free-range children who will pretty much do whatever they want given mummy is passed out from the savvy b and daddy is in a perve-trance.

This is because Meelup Beach is the light to which all influencer-moths are attracted too. It is well known, the water is crystal clear and there are usually some nice boats that insta-models can pose in front of to give off the illusion they are partying on it.

Please be careful not to get your sloppy, pale rig in the way of any of their photos. To this end, it’s best to remember that Meelup isn’t a public beach but rather, a closed-off photoshoot destination for self-appointed “public figures”.

While at Meelup you may take a chance to scratch that paddleboard itch you’ve had for years. Try not to make a clumsy arsehole of yourself as you mix with peacocking pros doing yoga and shit on theirs.

You would also be wise to avoid Meelup in late November. It’s a particularly popular spot amongst school leavers. Unless of course, you are a balding, ageing toolie and find it easier to hang out with 18-year-olds because your own peers think you’re a Palmer High Court challenge grade loser.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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