9 Ways To Be A True Champion At The Rotto Swim

Compete like a champion – the Rotto Swim is all about competition. About being the best you can be. For a few thousand well oiled machines that means putting their bodies to the test in a gruelling 19.7km open ocean swim. 

For others, that means competing to see who can out-western-suburb each other while sinking piss on an island all day while trying not to lose daddy’s boat key.

Eye on the prize – for an elite group however it’s all about securing a RCSA licence plate for completing a solo cross successfully – the ultimate reward for the intensely proud western suburban punter.

It is theorised that displaying a RCSA plate makes you 85% better than everyone else on the mainland. Even surpassing the coveted Barbagallo plate’s 65% bump in feelings of superiority. 

No claim bonuses are for the weak – to say it’s a hectic day is an understatement. Try to imagine the boat related mayhem on a normal sunny day in Perth. Now imagine every weekend warrior in Perth answering the call of the Rotto Swim weekend. There will be insurance claim blood.


Do they even know who you are? as mentioned, there are probably 95% of the Western Suburbs residents on the island this weekend. Which is an absolute nightmare for bouncers not wanting to be told they’ll be getting fired for not letting some drunk turd with a family-ring into the pub. 

Time to reap what you’ve sown, influencers – accordingly, it’s also the biggest day of the year for Insta-models. They have arguably put in the most training for the event with a big summer of pretending to like snobby boat owners to secure their place on this day of days. 


Warpaint is key – it is strongly advised to make sure you don’t wash your registration number off your arm before partying. They serve as a beacon to all the cougars that have been froffing over Speedo pics while getting utterly champagne’d all day.

Smuggle those budgies all day – it’s your best chance for a Mrs Robinson moment with a woman who keeps her au pair’s passport locked up in her safe “just in case”. A very important rite of passage in a young elite’s life. It therefore goes without saying that if you’re packing an absolute hog, you should keep partying in said Speedos.

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Does this make you a total flog? Yes, but when you’re taming a cougar in a Sunseeker in a private mooring, you have to ask yourself, do you care?

The true spirit of the day – of course, the day wouldn’t be complete until the Rotto streets run chunky with spew – as what tends to happen when you start drinking after extreme physical exertion. Or just a yahoo that was drinking in a boat all day. Same, same really.

The taxman – all that’s left is for all the exaggerated shark sightings start streaming in on the news. Was it a seal? A dolphin or was it a 7M great white that you looked at in the eyes as you pushed through to get your PB. I think you know the answer.

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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?