8 Things You’ll See at Today’s Western Derby

Respectful discourse on social media during the match (Odds: 150.5) – an absolute suckers bet. There is almost no chance that socials won’t turn into a putrid river of keyboard warrioring between people who take footy just a little bit too seriously.

Before socials, these people would just break furniture while watching the game by themselves but now they have a digital outlet. God help us all. 

Influencer paying no attention to the game (Odds: 1.10) – imagine the yasss-pocalypse if the camera panned across the stands and her #blessed beauty was discovered and got offered a gig on a regional GWN Camping & Fishing show?

Accordingly, this is a safe bet, as at least all of them will be busy Snapchatting, checking make-up and saying shit, “if he doesn’t walk onto a premiership stage, then he ain’t walking down my aisle” (figuratively and literally).

A R M Williams / Chino / lanyard combo in a corporate box (Odds: 1.10)your money couldn’t be safer with this little bet. You can guarantee that these walking quiffs will be dressed identically and looking down at you from their corporate gifted box. 

Someone suffering from tinnitus from relentless booing (Odds: 1.05) – there is no doubt that West Coast fans will serenade the stadium with their throat-vuvuzela every time one of the umpires forgets which team they are playing for. Or a Docker breathes. Etc. No much value here if you’re being honest with yourself. 

A bogan spending shitloads on food & drink and later whinge about it online (Odds: paid out) – going to the Footy can be an expensive day out. Especially when someone appears to have a taser to your dick telling you to purchase 8 hotdogs, 5 large chips, 10 beers and enough Coke to warrant the next series of Narcos being made about you. 

WCE Members leave at ¾ Time (Odds: 3.00) – if West Coast are down by more than 30 points, fans will desert their boys like Tekashi 69. Will they go quietly? Heavens no. The stampede will be marched to the tune of “show us ya silverware” and “enjoy your grand final” remarks.

Dockers Choke (Odds: 3.00) – so often the Dockers come out strong, but finish the game resembling Clive Waterhouse practicing the Michael Hutchence in his man cave. An absolute must if you are a West Coast supporter.

Find some memorabilia of the losing team in a bin or urinal (odds 1.50) – every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So sometimes the intensity of the passion corresponds with the absurdity of the meltdown after.

For some, throwing their teams hat in the urinal and pissing on it after the game is a form of therapy that they clearly aren’t getting anywhere else.

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