Number plates are the canvas that the master-douche paints their masterpiece. Of course, not all personalised number plates are as heinous as others. It’s a wonderful spectrum of people looking to force their personality on inanimate objects that they own. Let’s examine the main categories.

Low-level offenders – these are fairly harmless, albeit, pointless customisations. Typically, initials of a name and a date of birth. Alternatively, perhaps you want to showcase your fandom of a sports club or other hobby. A bumper sticker would surely be cheaper, but hey, you do you.

Status plates – sometimes in life, you cannot risk someone passing you on the road and not knowing that you are superior to them in some way. This may be wealth – Barbagallo plates or it might be physical prowess – Rotto channel swim plates to show everyone you have conquered the ocean. Gets eyes rolling like a gurning Cookie Monster.

Karen plates – you haven’t seen a disproportionate level of love until you’ve got between a new Hyundai Getz and a middle-aged woman on the brink of a live-laugh-love-breakdown. Usually, a nickname to denote ownership of said Getz, “TABBYS” or the like. Find these bad boys at KMart car parks nationwide. Goes well with a MAGIC HAPPENS bumper sticker.

Yellow sticker bandits – an obnoxious number plate is a rite of passage for people who have purchased cars with power that dwarfs their skill. These yellow sticker magnets are often found at impound yards, trying to impress teenage girls at a late-night McDonald’s car park or through the wall of your living room. You know the energy – “2NVS4U”, “10seccar”, “SKIDKING”, etc. That kind of bullshit.

The Riddler – if you’ve ever spotted a number plate that you couldn’t work out, no matter how many times you attempt to re-read it, then you have fell victim to the riddler. Note, the reality of the riddle rarely matches the perceived genius of it in the mind of the riddler. Sometimes it’s just a bit of a stretch.

Thrill-seekers – hands down the best of personalised plates. This is when a punter can slip one past the regulatory keeper and get something a bit naughty on their car. The X32 22A is perhaps the proudest plate to ever make it onto a WA rig. Not only does the owner get a little thrill the resale value on Perth Beer economies can be astronomical. Allow these.

Super chodes and she-chodes plates – these plates are shameless displays of arrogance that can only be explained by deep-seated crippling insecurity in the owner. LITIGATOR, DRGOD, RICHBOI, INFLUENCR, etc. If reading it makes you want to slam your face into your steering wheel, it’s firmly in this category. They can be found wherever a crowd is likely to be. Remember, friends don’t let friends peacock this hard.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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