1. Chase the purple dragon each year with half of Perth
Much like the Freo season, Applecross is known for a purple display before collapsing into a disgusting mess by the end of the year. So grab that camera you spent far too much money on and fight the hordes of Jacaranda photographers to get your little slice of #perthisok.
2. Heathcote car park party
During the day, Heathcote is brimming with happy families, culture, and stunning views. At night, it’s a lovely haven for little PSA bongrats who couldn’t wrangle a free wing of their parent’s manors. So thumb-pack a few cones and then go and pretend you’re a pirate on the ship – extra points if your paranoia latches onto the old ghost stories from the now-renovated asylum. Go get ‘em Cap’n Cooked.
3. Give your Heath Ledger 6 degrees of separation story a go
Down at Heathcote there is a Heath Ledger memorial park. Now, you wouldn’t be from Perth if your sister’s best friend’s aunt once met Heath Ledger at the Guildford Grammar rowing afters one year. Don’t worry about making your story overly believable, no one else seems to bother.
4. Enjoy the affluent being inconvenienced by roadworks
The area around The Raffles is an enormous clusterfuck at the moment and many a Porsche or Tesla are forced to navigate the infuriating detours just like they were living in some pleb suburb like Belmont. Soak it in! It’s not often such an elite suburb has to feel the cruel whip of regular citizenry treatment.
5. Be a big SOR deal at The Raffles
The Raffles is the epicentre of SOR wealth and influence. It wasn’t always like this as back in the day the old properties ran a far dodgier establishment (vale T Birds). Anyway, here’s your chance to show everyone that you can be just as insufferable as your distant cousins to the West. Like Mrs Applecross.
6. Report any border jumpers
After getting thoroughly champagne’d and shamed at The Raffles it’s time to do your civic duty and man the border between Mount Pleasant and Applecross. Every now and then a Mount Peasant gets the idea that they are something and wants to cross over. Bringing with them their Canning River stink and god knows what else. Observe and report, that’s all you need to do.
7. Take a walk on the boardwalk of boujee dreams
An aptly named Majestic Close leads you to the boardwalk of boujee dreams. Walk along the walk path as you feel the imposing presence of the large mansion walls letting you know which side of the fence you belong on. It’s the perfect place to let your failed crypto empire run around and around in your head as you remain perplexed at how Dogecoin didn’t buy you one of these massive homes.
8. Be the turd in the realty punchbowl
In classic SOR form, scattered amongst the green title abodes are decidedly dicier-looking blocks of units. Hey, it’s all about that postcode but one struggles to imagine the shame of flexing at The Raffles all night only to bring someone back to your 2nd floor 2 by 1 that you share with your cousin. Just like this guy HERE.
9. Head for the hills to park your oversized tradie mobile
The real reason for Perth’s tradie shortage is because most of them are in suburbs like Applecross at the moment. A journey up the hill will let you gawk at amazing properties and equally amazing yank tanks parked out the front providing labourer services. What a beautiful contrast – a $30M with a RAM parked out the front. So why not join the party?
10. Get balls deep into that mid-life crisis at Lucky Bay
Everyone gets to a stage in life where they either decide to continue being an alcoholic or pick up kite/windsurfing. There really isn’t much in between especially in a picturesque location like Applecross. If you’re a really insufferable prick then please take your eFoil down instead. Everyone won’t be feeling so lucky then.
11. Gorge yourself at the poor man’s Napoleon St
So you’ve worked up an appetite by now surely. Time to visit Ardross Street, you’ll feel that you’re sorta in Cottesloe. Don’t worry it’s still pretty pretentious and no one dining there has to burden themselves with grainful employment but the flexes are just a bit more measures. Sure, you went to Europe this year but you only stayed in AirBNB not 5 star hotels. You bought a house Douth but it was just Margs, not Eagles Bay etc.
12. The Cuzzy Booze Bus memorial walk
You couldn’t come all the way to Applecross and not walk the hallowed path of legends. You can do it as authentically as you like but be warned not everyone is built to scale fences and swim halfway across the river in Ed Hardy gear. Perhaps work your way up to the full experience and treat it more like an iron man the first few times.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
