Job Dodging 101

Like any true art form, job dodging must be executed with nuance and grace. If it’s done poorly you will shine like a glaring cold sore on the lip of productivity. however if you nail it, you’ll truly flourish in your bright future in middle management.

When it comes to not pulling your weight, there is no try. So like a Jedi master of being a lazy kent you must commmit and elevate yourself above mere mortal slackers.

A true job dodger knows exactly how to avoid getting stuck without a chair when the music stops. They are armed with a litany of excuses and are fully prepared to say whatever it takes to get out of the situation. 

Now, this could lead to blatant lying. This is amatuer bullshit. A true maestro will have always be packing a full magazine of half-truths ready to fire off at any time. Your dog might not be “gravely ill” but you did see it throw up a bit this morning.

Now, any workplace Houdini worth their salt will be well versed in the warning signs that some unpleasant work is catching an express train right towards their station of procrastination. 

Perhaps the boss is storming through the halls with an important-looking letter, perhaps a delivery has just arrived or perhaps a superior has noticed the half job that you’ve tried to pass off as workmanship.

These are horror situations to a human who has a crippling phobia of pulling their weight. Once a job dodger has assessed the urgency of the situation they must make a call – fight or flight.

Naturally, flight is the best option. Quickly escape to the toilets for your 3rd half an hour mobile gaming session for the day. Relax in the knowledge that no one is going to press you on your toilet habits.

If you chose to fight, you may or may not convince the boss that you truly can’t perform the extra task. No matter, simply delegate the matter to someone below you at your earliest convenience. Bring out that bag of excuses again.

Ultimately, you must adopt and believe the philosophy that the less work you do, the less you can stuff up. A true cornerstone of middle management.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?