Kochie Shocks Nation By Appearing In Social Media Posts That Aren’t Crypto Scams

Kochie has shocked the nation by appearing in legitimate social media posts announcing his retirement from Sunrise this morning. Previously, the only time anyone has seen the chrome-domed finance guru is in crypto scams or the occasional beef with Eddie over Port Guernseys. 

Naturally, the public was wary of all the Kochie posts appearing on their timeline. Many have been burnt before. We spoke to Cheryl who lost a significant amount of money after falling for a scammer using Kochie’s image. She told The Times,

“My sons have made me agree to a new rule at home. I can’t click on anything with Twiggy, Waleed or Kochie’s face anymore. The last time I did that I ended up wiring several thousand to Kochie when he was stuck in Kenya”

While the announcement is probably music to most people’s ears, Kochie has been left unsatisfied by the reception to his retirement. A spokesperson told The Times,

“Kochie was expecting a lot more clicks but people are just conditioned to ignore his shiny head when it pops up on socials now. I mean, crypto scams and Kochie’s image, name a more iconic duo?”

We can report that given the lack of engagement on social media, Kochie has taken to the streets to tell any man and his dog that he’s quit. However, even this strategy has its drawbacks. A witness told The Times,

“I was thinking, is this really Kochie up in my face at 8 am screaming that he’s no longer doing brekkie TV? We were on a bus ffs. I thought it was some lookalike trying to scam me out of a few bucks of a dart or something. Surely Kochie wouldn’t be ranting like a loon on public transport?”

It appears that the big feller just can’t win. Those scammers really did a number on his reputation. However, some also think that Kochie did a number on his own reputation too. Not as a scammer, just as a massive flop who gives shit finance advice and is disgustingly involved with Port Adelaide. 

I mean, how do you help a man like that?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?