Stop the presses. Old mate Kev has read a poorly worded chain post stating that Perth is about to go into lockdown “indefinitely” because the Indian strain has mutated with the English strain and formed Super-COV-2. 

Like all good superspreaders, Kev knows that it’s a numbers game. So, rather than ignore this steaming pile of misinformation, he’s going to copy & paste the nonsense in as many Facebook groups as he can to get the attention he so sorely craves. 

To support his claim he posts another viral morsel of festering bullshit – an uncited post claiming “PROOF” of the impending lockdown. In reality, it’s a screenshot of the extension of the state of emergency declaration which is not the same as a lockdown order. 

Despite not offering a single tidbit of fact, Kev has the FB community eating out of the palm of his hand. When pushed harder on the source of his dubious claims, Kev decides that the only course of action is to double down. 

Sure, he’s causing people to further lose their shit – stressing about income, important plans and the reality of further isolation but on the plus side, his post has 15 likes and 300 panicked comments. So he’s hardly just going to stop now, is he?

He replies to as many comments as he can, 

“Infermation come from health wokres they are told bout this before all of us got a cousin who works with nurse in fiona stanlee… come straigh for the horses mouth ay better get to the shops lol”

In his defence, Kev isn’t gifted in the wiles of creativity and he’s just stolen this further gibberish from the viral post that he flogged. Nevertheless, this compelling journalism is enough to trick the naive into also spreading the rumours. 

What a rush. He’s started several garbage fires in the comments section and feels like a big, important man. It’s at this point that a “whistleblower” slides into his DMs. A meathead who has on good authority (WhatsApp groupchat) that the Dockers returned false negatives and the AFL season hangs in the balance. 

Kev is excited! His pants are looking like Spiderman sack tapped him and he wants everyone to enjoy some of the good gravy. So, he wastes no time breaking the news,

“JUST IN: EMERGENCY MEATING at AFL – INCIDENT AT OPTUS STADIUM 24 APRIL 2021 – FULL MEDIA BLACKOUT – PLAYERS TESTED POSITIVE AFTER DOCKERS CLASH – AFL IN DOUBT FOR REMAIN OF SEASON”

Kev begins spreading it like a divorcee at X-mas. Sure, he’s contributing to the frenzied panic that has categorised this pandemic but on the plus side, he’s feeling more alive than he ever has. 

He rounds off his long weekend by threatening to smash anyone calling him a liar in over 34 different comment sections. Who said you couldn’t live your best life in lockdown?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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