They can’t call a place without pearly gates Heaven, so they called it SOR. Decided to see how it’s down South Side? Well, here’s a quick guide to help you adapt.
1. Consider the Kwinana Freeway your second home
Imagine if Mad Max was set on a 2 lane car park that also serves as the primary arterial route for you to get anywhere. That’s the mighty Kwinana Freeway.
As a denizen of this hellstrip you’ll either fade into a shadow husk of your former self as you accept your fate or you’ll be a human pressure cooking steaming up a massive discontent stew that is liable to boil over at any time. Either way, life will never be the same.
2. Become a Costco devotee
As it stands, SOR is the home of Costco and the decision to set 2 stores up in the south before one in the North is one of your biggest retail flexes for now. Alkimos intends to ruin that party but honestly, South Geraldton needs a little love. So allow it.
Costco is a grand consumerism cathedral where thousands of cropdusters come to worship excessive purchasing. Watch as our house slowly comes to resemble the very shop floor you enjoy visiting so much. Don’t forget to load up on cheap hotdogs and free refills to turn the drive home into a multifaceted toiletmergency.
3. Tough shopping centre choices
Garden City was once the Claremont Quarter of the South – the kinda place where a private school mummy could sneak sips of Grey Goose while perusing Country Road cardigans in a blissful haze. Now it resembles a retail Wittenoom where the crystal river no longer flows. They’ll get around to that revamp one day.
If you can’t handle the vibe, you can always age yourself several decades dealing with the vehicular mayhem around Carousel. Which, in any case, is the retail equivalent of Wilbur getting into the bargain bin lipstick at Priceline.
4. Lowkey know you have the best entertainment strip in the business
What does Northbridge, Leederville, Scabs and Subiaco all have in common? They ain’t the mighty Albany Highway strip in Victoria Park. Just a few evenings on this strip and you’ll fancy yourself Anthony Bourdain as you transcend the rest of society because you used a table hot plate once.
Not knocking it, it’s the highwater mark of Perth and what so many areas sorely lack. Of course, if you’re a reverse-parrellel-parkaphobe you may struggle but don’t worry there’s the purgatory of the Vic Park Centre carpark for people like you. Enjoy!
5. Deal with the beach disrespect
NOR beaches are the romanticised liaison with beauty personified whereas SOR seem more like knocking one out in a servo bathroom after doublebanging cheese sausages.
Imagine telling someone about your happy place, your oasis from the relentless shitsangas life serves and they merely say, “Secret Harbour? ew” Unreal. Just accept it and move on, it will never change.
6. Embrace the underdog status
Closely related to the SOR beach disrespect, get used to the fact no one from the North is ever going to give the South any love. Sure, the median house price in Rocko is $850k offering spacious beach side living but to them it’s just Mordor.
There’s really no point arguing with Northies about this as they will always consider the South as a place where one should get life insurance before visiting. Use this to your advantage and give ‘em a good SOR stare when aggrieved, that’ll learn em.
7. Make use of the two cheekiest freeway exits in the game
Life actually begins when you have cause to use the Cranford or South Terrace Freeway exits. You’ll feel like you’re using your own personal driveway as you enjoy these necessary but rort-y thoroughfares. NOR freeway exits could never compare to the bespoke exiting experience.
Pro tip: If you’re on a bit of drought, send it over the rumble strips on the South Terrace exit. Woweee.
8. Enjoy the true golden triangle
The KGB is a sanitised, family friendly shadow of its former self. If adventure is what you seek, then SOR has many options but perhaps the best is the hallowed triangle of Thornlie, Maddo and Gosnells.
Not for the weak, true, but these suburbs offer a thrill ride for the brave of heart. You know what they say, if you can’t handle Thornlie at its Thornlie-squariest you don’t deserve it at its Crestwood Estatiest.
9. Have a monopoly on civilian airports
There is something about SOR that just makes people want to leave. That’s why it has both Perth Airport and Jandakot Airport. How’s that for convenience!
Sure, NOR has RAAF Base Pearce which is good if you contracted something on a cruise ship but has utility for your average punter. Anyway, Bull Creek Aviation Museum can more than happily scratch that military itch. Another point to SOR.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?