It’s hard to tell whether Jessica is getting her family ready for Santa photos or a priest is exorcising a particularly screechy banshee from the depths of hell. She makes no apologies because today is about the illusion of creating precious memories, even if the process will mentally scar her family for life.
Her hubby regrets taking the day off work as the car ride is serenaded with Jessica telling her kids she’ll smash their Playstation if they mess up a single hair on their perfectly groomed quiffs. She keeps a tight grip on the overgrown ball of pubic hair that she calls her fur baby because you had better believe this is a pet & family photoshoot.
Once they arrive at Garden City, Jessica does a quick inspection of her gappy toothed sprog and then leads the charge towards the Santa booth. She reminds her kids that she’s spent $90 on this so if they pull any stupid faces she’ll slap them so hard their remaining baby teeth will rip the spacetime continuum.
This joyful occasion is made merrier when Jessica becomes impatient in the line. She pulls a staff member aside and berates them for her dog’s anxiety levels rising because of the delay. After belittling the young retail worker she turns her attention to a manager over their social distance policy.
She reminds her several times that she’s paid a lot of money and if she wants her kids to sit on Santa’s lap than her kids will be sitting on Santa’s lap. Unfortunately for Jessica, this manager is about as battle-hardened as it comes. After serving 6 tours of Santa photo season she’s seen and heard it all.
Her hubby tries a little trick he learned in Kuta and tries to slide the manager a $20 note, “just one kid on the lap”. Things are now beginning to resemble an Epstein island negotiation. Jessica begins mentally prepare her FB post to complain about her treatment.
For a woman who made such a fuss about delays she sure is taking her own sweet arse time. She barks orders to her family to arrange in various formations to work out which one looks the most magical. This isn’t a damn game – this photo will be going on Christmas cards, fridge magnets, calendars and any other object she can find to fulfil her quench her narcissistic thirst.
Naturally, she isn’t happy with the photo that’s taken and demands several more attempts. In fairness to the photographer, it’s hard to get a good photo with Jessica’s psychotic grin piercing through his soul.
She doesn’t miss the chance to humiliate the staff one final time, “this is why I ordered the digital print too, I’ll have to get this amateur photograph photoshopped again!” Everyone in line is thinking the same thing – photoshoot can’t fix that kinda ugly, lady.
As a final present to the shopping centre, her poorly trained fur baby lifts a leg and pisses on Santa. A fitting metaphor for how Jessica has conducted herself in her pursuit of precious memories.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
