Mrs. Staycation Perth

Sophia woke up with a real urge to shove her high disposable income and nuanced tastes down the throats of her friends & family. So she decided to treat herself to a little #staycation in a boutique hotel in central Perth. 

Now just to be clear, she’s nothing like those cocktail-dress party peasants celebrating an unimpressive relationship milestone at Crown Towers or the Ritz. Oh no, she’s immersing herself in a brick & mortar self-care, wellness retreat of bohemian proportions. 

And of course, the cornerstone of any therapeutic self-care journey is to obsess constantly over how it is perceived on social media. 

From the lighting of the shots to the thoughtful, inspiring captions. Inner peace starts with performative lifestyle enlightenment. 

To kick things off, Sophia nails the all-important check-in selfie with a heartfelt spiel about how much it will hurt being away from her kids. 

Kids that a team of au pairs raise for most of the week while she’s off living a life that most plebs would consider a holiday to begin with. 

Once in the luxurious room, she gets to work on outwardly projecting how cultured she is. A pot of tea and a good book while sitting on the window sill should do the job. She posts, 

“Is there anything in life more pleasurable than getting lost in words? A literary escape from the stress of life. Imagery and prose are the nutrients for the soul and it’s safe to say I can feel myself growing #iread #ireadthereforeiam #booklover #didsomeonesaybooks #bookshelffull #teaandanovel #prose”

Growth is unsurprising given how much manure she heaped on that bad boy. Especially given she spent more time setting up the tripod than actually reading the pretentious literature.

Next, she arranges a massage. It’s hard work doing fark all and Sophia is all tense at the thought her new marble countertop could be delayed another week or two. These are the problems faced by people who can afford a cheeky 4 nighter in a 5-star hotel on a whim. 

She has the masseuse take a shot and barely enjoys the pampering given how vexed she is at which angle to take in her post. Finally, she decides to go with some staggering cheese that would cause Hallmark to develop lactose intolerance, 

“To successfully hunt, the lioness must first rest. It’s exhausting raising kids, being a girl boss, and generally kicking life’s butt. I know I don’t show it much but I do get tired and must recharge my fierce chakras like anyone else does #innerlioness #fierce #girlboss #killingit #restandrelaxation #staycation #luxury”

To see out the first day, she decides to empower everyone who didn’t ask about the bravery of dining at a high-end restaurant by yourself. How could any normal pleb get past the mental barrier of feeling like a loser while eating $40 entrees and shit? 

She goes all out including a bottle of the nice bubbly and lets everyone know that you don’t have to slavishly adhere to the societal expectation to dine with company, 

“Being your own best friend is what staycations are all about. I am totally at peace enjoying this beautiful meal with the best company I know – ME! Oh, and your girl will be enjoying every drop of that giggle juice hehe #selfcare #loveyourself #ilovemyself #arentigreat #bosslife #staycationqueen #crayfish #caviar #champagnegirl”

No doubt her followers are having a harder time digesting that than the perfectly cooked cray she’s dining on. Not to worry though, she’s got something that will help your bowels – 3 more days of this shit. Yay.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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