THE HUMAN ZOO – Mrs. Book Week

If Samantha is being honest with herself, she couldn’t give a shit if her kids engage with reading or not. Book Week is all about living out her failed designer fantasies and flexing on her mummy blog. Why else did she have children in the first place?

This year the theme is “Read.GROW. INSPIRE” – a state of being Samantha knows quite well after taking some of mummy’s little helper pills after a rather wet brunch with the girls. 

Alas, there is no time for lavish brunch-induced stupors today. Her little hashtaglings need costumes for book week. You’d think maybe the first port of call for the mission would be to ask her kids what book they actually like, right? 

Wrong, you engagement-poor social media pedestrian. How in the living shit are you going to get offered a guest post on Mammamia thinking like that? Get a grip, the correct answer is The Avengers. 

She can still hear little Billy’s moaning, “mummy I don’t like the avengers”. Like a loving e-Mum she holds her child close and reassures him that for the remainder of this week, he does like The Avengers and if she hears his protests again she’ll put his iPad in the microwave. 

Her plan is very simple – purchase a Captain America costume and then perform some alterations to pull off the grand illusion that she made the costume from scratch. 

If anyone dares point out how similar the costume looks to a store-bought one then she’ll deal with them like the picture of stability she is – setting her entire flock on the dissenting trouble maker after playing the Draw 4 of victim cards. 

Having finally added her little touches to the costume, it’s time for the photoshoot. She works herself into a Black Widow costume and poses with her little bundle of joy. Halfway through the snapfest her hubby walks through the door and sees her get up, “is it my birthday already, luv?”

God, she’s loving it. Next, it’s the all-important upload. She pours an extra generous glass of rosé and turns on the wank-o-meter to 11,

“So happy I could share this special journey with my angel. Book Week is all about awakening the curiosity beast inside and starting a lifelong love of literature and adventure. Every hour behind the sewing machine was worth it when love is what fuels you hehe #bookweek #costume #literature #shesews #mastercraft #nottoobadifisaysomyself #talent”

On the day, she took her kid in and lapped up the attention. It was clear they were the best dressed and she forced other mummies with their kids to take group photos. Her “efforts” looked even better with her kid standing next to these sloppily outfitted shit-potatoes. 

That’s until a mother joined the photo-party with her kid dressed like an AFL player. Samantha couldn’t bear the thought of her following thinking her child went to the same school as a bogan who thought a footy player was a book character. 

So she did what any good mummy blogger would do. Photoshop the offending kid out of the photos when she got home. After all, editing is an important part of the whole book process isn’t it?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?