Kate and Tim met while queueing up at the launch of a new doughnut tipped to take Instagram by storm. Kate ran a generic food blog and Tim considered himself more of a “lifestyle influencer”, whatever the hell that is. 

Magic happens when an unstoppable ego meets an immovable sense of entitlement and their vapidness fused creating a strong bond. They decided the best way to proceed would be to combine their personal “brands” and “start building their empire”. 

Being original was never their strong suit and they sure as shit weren’t going to start now. So they funnelled the last of their COVID Jobseeker payments into a van and decided to blog about their boho, nomad, free-spirited lifestyle. 

In reality, the decision to live in a van was more motivated by the impending rentpocalypse. In a rare moment of introspective honesty, they realised no landlord is going to lease to a couple of unemployed parasites in such a competitive market. 

If you follow the daily blog updates, each moment of their charmed life is an adventure. In reality, they are so focused on getting the right “content” at every town they visit that they haven’t enjoyed a single genuine experience. 

Nothing screams “modern hippie” like refusing to talk to your partner for a 200km drive because he accidentally deleted the best file of drone footage of the Wellington Dam mural outside of Collie. “Well, that was a farkin’ waste of time!” – the catchphrase of any meaningful adventure. 

To help ease the pressure on their dwindling savings, they rely on a little trick Kate picked up from food blogging. Spamming every eatery in the towns they visit with offers to “collab” in exchange for free food. 

Clearly, a series of 24-hour story posts on an unimpressive #vanlife blog can be used to pay staff and rent. Even more compelling, is the fact 50% of their followers are bots or fellow bloggers who would sooner die than reach into their own pocket to pay for a meal. It’s called exposure, sweetie. 

When they are not actively asking for handouts they are pissing off local businesses in different ways. Their favourite trick is to storm into a cafe and take up 3 tables as they charge all their shit. Never fear, the cafe is well compensated by the one coffee they buy to share. 

Or just straight out shoplifting from general stores because, in reality, their content is inspiring other people to visit their shithole towns. Ipso facto, these general stores OWE them a block of Cadbury and a pair of sunnies. 

It takes some audacity to blog about your “amazing journey” while managing to piss-off every single person you have met on the course of it. Which naturally, includes each other. Cracks were forming from the start but things got particularly bad outside Broome. 

See, Tim had rolled the dice with some roadhouse sushi and embraced his inner mother bird. All over their van-bed. Even a bottle of Febreeze couldn’t completely rid the bed of the stank and on a warm afternoon, the sweet stench of vomit still wafts into their nostrils #blessed. 

In true influencer fashion, they apply a bandaid to their growing animosity. A well-curated van selfie overlooking a stunning vista cures all superficial wounds. They post and then live their life through all the comments of people saying how jealous they are of their awesome lifestyle. 

Who needs to actually enjoy life when a bunch of strangers on Instagram think it’s pretty cool? Besides, if you don’t think about it, it can’t hurt. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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